Brehm: The friendship recession

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Like many young boys, my hero growing up was my dad. While he was successful in business, active in athletics and generous in philanthropy, he always kept our family the No. 1 priority. I have few childhood memories without him in them. Magically, in the midst of all this busyness, he always made time for his countless close friendships, playing an essential role in the lives of others and inviting them to do the same in his.

I’m grateful for that example. I saw firsthand the wisdom, accountability, comfort and fun these important connections provided him and our family — and still do to this day. The way he masterfully balanced all of this showed one could, with effort and intention, indeed maintain a dynamic career, healthy home life and good friendships all at the same time. That lesson has stuck with me.

But studies show that Americans are shedding their friendships and the time they choose to devote to them at an alarming rate. According to a 2021 American Perspectives Survey, over the past few decades, the number of Americans that claim to have no close friends at all has quadrupled to 12%. And nearly half of all respondents in the survey reported having only three intimate acquaintances or fewer.

By contrast, in a 1990 Gallup poll, only 27% of respondents said they had three or fewer close friends; most claimed more, with 33% reporting having 10 or more close friends, and only 3% declaring none. If the United States felt a little more friendly in the 1990s, it seems that’s because it was.

Not only is the number of our friends dropping, but so is the time we spend with them. Americans, according to the U.S. Census Bureau’s time use survey, now devote on average less than three hours per week to non-family companions; just a decade ago the number was more than double that.

Maybe this trend means we’re spending more time with our families, which isn’t a horrible thing, right? But the data show that’s not really the case.

Economist Bryce Ward, who has spent time analyzing this phenomenon, recently said the average American is spending almost nine more hours alone a week than a decade ago. And that is mostly time we used to spend with friends.

Not surprisingly, the reduction in our time and commitment to meaningful friendships is leading to greater national loneliness, which, according to U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, has become something of an epidemic in this country. At any moment, about one out of every two of us is experiencing assessable levels of loneliness, he says. Too much aloneness can have serious long-term mental and physical health consequences.

“When people are socially disconnected, their risk of anxiety and depression increases,” Murthy wrote in an op-ed. “So does their risk of heart disease (29%), dementia (50%), and stroke (32%). The increased risk of premature death associated with social disconnection is comparable to smoking daily — and may be even greater than the risk associated with obesity.”

And as I know well from my connections with Minnesota’s recovery community, too much seclusion can also be a dangerous gateway into addiction. Alcohol and drug abuse thrive among the lonely — and generally wither in community.

While the tangible benefits of connectedness are clear, perhaps the intangible ones make the greatest case for it. As C.S. Lewis wrote, “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art … . It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” Friendships help give life meaning and purpose and provide levity, laughter and fun.

Study after study shows that those with a solid network of genuine friends with whom they can speak candidly about the ups and downs of life in real time are measurably happier than those without one. Of course, having good relationships with a spouse or romantic partner and one’s children and direct family is paramount, but that cannot compensate for the hit our overall contentment takes if we still lack a brood of good buddies. And much analysis shows that having solid friendships outside of a marriage or a committed relationship does not detract from them, but strengthens them.

While we can chit-chat with anyone, the trust and empathy of a well-attended friendship provides a safe venue for substantive conversations outside of the family dynamic we humans need to have from time to time. Encouragement from a stranger doesn’t carry much meaning, but when it sources from a longtime pal it can light even the darkest of times. Accountability from an acquaintance can be helpful, but sometimes we need the force that only a lifelong friend can bring to hold us to higher standards.

Friendship also has a special way of opening new doors in life. Our friends can challenge us to try new activities and careers, introduce us to interesting people we might otherwise not meet and show us ways of thinking differently. Most people initially join a civic organization because someone asked them to — usually a friend. But without such companions in life, those offers may be rarer.

A friend who knows us well can provide invaluable advice and help us spot errors in our ways of doing things we or a spouse might otherwise miss. Consult the biography of the historical figure you most respect, and there are surely tales of how a friendship profoundly altered the course of his or her life for the good. The instances of notable lives lived as a loner are not many. And what movies and books that intrigue us lack elements of companionship in their storylines? Even in the one-man show “Cast Away,” the marooned protagonist needed and found a friend.

So if having friends is so valuable, why are we dumping them?

It may be in part that social media persuades us to believe that we have more connectedness in our lives outside of our families than we really do. But how many of our Instagram followers do we deeply interact with? Liking a friend’s post is an expressive Twinkie — a quick dopamine hit, but lacking the kind of long-lasting emotional nourishment only quality in-person time provides.

And the truth of the matter is that friendship, like most worthwhile things, can be difficult. It is time-consuming and sometimes inconvenient. And it requires intentionality, attention and conscious upkeep many may view as too much hassle. Our friends can be easy items to subconsciously put low on life’s totem pole of priorities. And when we do, those friendships do not succumb deliberately, but will from gradual lethargy.

As New York Times columnist David French poignantly put it: “I’ve never met a person who wants to lose friends. But I’ve met many, many people who suffer from loneliness and say that they just ‘lost touch.’ What happened? I ask. ‘Life happened,’ they say. At each new stage of life, it was easier to say no to a friend than to say no to work, to a spouse, to one’s kids. And while each individual no can be understandable and even justifiable, the accumulation of noes suffocates friendships, even without an argument, a breach or a betrayal.”

Friends are not like fire extinguishers that one can just pull out when a crisis arises. Therapists can work that way, but friends don’t. To have a friend requires being a friend. While the negative effects of letting our relationships slowly deteriorate may not be felt immediately, when life gets unexpectedly rough, as it does for all of us at certain stages, and we’re caught in that storm without strong and longstanding friendships to ride through it with us, my — how much harder the hard times will be.

While many of us begin the new year resolving to slim down our waistlines and budgets and improve on life habits, it might also be a good time to assess how our friendships are doing and how we are (or are not) showing up in them. Many of us have more resolutions to make, but what joyful ones are these to fulfill.