We spend too much time on answers and too little on questions. What difference does the right answer make if it turns out to be the wrong question?
Let's look at a few questions that many clients ask and what the real question should be.
The right question isn't when do I retire, it's what do I want to be doing with my life? In his book, "Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes," William Bridges writes, "Every transition begins with an ending. We have to let go of the old thing before we can pick up the new one — not just outwardly, but inwardly, where we keep our connections to people and places that act as definitions of who we are."
Most of our clients who experience difficulty in retirement are experiencing challenges around their personal definitions of who they are. Clients who had a life filled with pursuits other than work generally have an easier time with the transition to retirement because they are less disconnected from the people and places important to them. If retirement is that point in life where you think you finally get to do what you want to be doing, you may be surprised at how unfulfilling it can be.
One of our clients worked into his mid-70s in a job that both consumed and fulfilled him. After being forced into retirement, he realized that he had not developed anything to match the experience he had from working. Not-for-profit board work was more frustrating than meaningful and his strong marriage and friendships provided support and engagement, but not the problem solving that he had come to love.
This transition from work to retirement marks an ending and a beginning, but the middle place is disorienting. Relating to the in-between time after work ends and the new life begins takes a tremendous intentional effort. The in-between time can be shortened if you are moving toward something, rather than from something.
Many of us are regularly making decisions around where we should live. But the question of where to live should really be with whom do we want to be spending our time. We work on shifting our clients from thinking about what they can afford to why are they think they want this. Where you live involves everything from your dependence on cars, to ongoing costs, to how you interact with your neighbors. One of our clients was talking about a recent move and how they know their new neighbors better than the ones with whom they lived for over a decade. While they love the community, they miss the privacy. While they love their new home, they are adjusting to the many changes it involves.
We place too much emphasis on concrete structure and too little on the structure of the rhythms of our lives. When you are making a decision about where to live, it's important to not only list what you want in a new home, but what you expect to get from living in it. But then don't stop there. Also create a list of what you are giving up and will be unlikely to replace. Even if you are ready for a change, you chose your current spot for a reason. Don't minimize what it will feel to leave it.