Q: I am very close to my 11-year-old daughter, but she lives with her mother and bonus dad. When he was transferred for business six months ago, I decided not to protest, thinking it was best for her not to be in the middle of a custody battle. But now that she lives five hours away, I rarely see her. Nothing like the two or three times a week and every other weekend that we used to share. I miss her terribly, especially with Christmas coming. What do I do? What's good ex-etiquette?
A: My suggestion seems obvious, and I'm wondering why you didn't think of it. Unfortunately, because you didn't, that's a red flag.
Co-parents talk to each other. They reach out when they need help. (Good Ex-etiquette Rule No. 2, "Ask for help if you need it.") Just because your ex moved away doesn't mean you stop co-parenting with her.
In fact, the opposite is true. Now that your daughter has moved away, it's especially important that you have a working relationship with her mother. Stop feeling sorry for yourself; you did the right thing. Now get in there and keep doing the right thing by being an active co-parent.
You're concerned about staying close. Consider a Christmas present that will help promote better communication. The clearest choice is a cellphone. It's a great way to stay in touch.
FaceTime or video chat can bring parent and child so close that you can do homework together, read a book together, send memes or photographs or just chat. Most custodial parents will not mind, especially if you pick up the bill.
One caveat: Always coordinate this type of present with the other parent because cellphones are often used as behavioral leverage — "You're grounded, no cellphone!" If you are perceived as interfering with your co-parent's parenting strategy from afar, that will cause more harm than good.
So make sure you and your co-parent have the same expectations and never, ever ground your child from talking to their other parent.
