Amy says: Don't let new spouse ruin everyone's fun

Dear Amy: My husband, kids and I live in a different state from most of my family.

We are planning a trip to my family's state and would like to invite my parents and grandmothers to join us in a cabin for a few nights.

I don't see my grandmothers often because they are not well enough to travel too far. I am worried about the amount of time I have left to spend with them.

I want to be able to enjoy a wonderful and relaxing trip with them. I want to create happy memories with them, my parents and children together.

My grandmothers get along great and often spend time together. They are both widowed, but one of them remarried about a year ago. And that's where we run into a problem. This man is rude and pretentious and makes everyone uncomfortable.

We all keep our feelings to ourselves and are respectful when we have been around him, but my parents and my other grandmother are not a fan of this man.

I worry that spending a whole weekend with him would be too much for everyone. His presence would likely turn this relaxing time with my family into a weekend revolving around his lectures, narcissistic antics and drama.

How might I extend this exclusive invite? Or is there a polite and discreet way to ask that he not make this trip a disagreeable one?

Amy says: Your grandmother chose to marry, and when she did, the man she married entered your family. For better and — in this case, it seems — for worse.

It is not selfish of you to want happiness, but no family can be guaranteed only happy experiences or happy memories. Every family must deal with the challenges presented by their reality.

I suggest that you issue this invitation to everyone, and then do your best to manage this disruptive new family member during your weekend together. If you establish a baseline willingness to stand up to him — "Excuse me, but I'd love to hear what my grandmother thinks" — you might have a better time.

Third time's the charm

The wedding is on again for July. We are seeing that a number of guests who had said that they were coming the first two times now say they cannot make it. We will miss seeing them.

Here is my question: Because we have booked the venue for a specific number of guests, is it tacky to invite those who didn't make the original guest list to join us now? If it is not tacky, how might we even phrase that?

Amy says: When it comes to "tacky," I take a stance that's probably more Dolly Parton than Emily Post.

I say: Be authentic, polite, and — if you're backed into a corner — truthful. I don't think it's necessary to make any reference to previous plans when you invite people.

If prospective guests inquire, "Hey, I thought you didn't have room for me!" say, "The pandemic really messed with our plans, and some close family members can't make it overseas this summer, so if you are able to join us on relatively short notice, we'd love it!"