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Amy: Husband can't get over his wife's affair

  • Article by: AMY DICKINSON
  • September 6, 2013 - 1:10 PM

Dear Amy: My wife and I have been married for more than 25 years. During our engagement (all those years ago) she had a three-week affair. I did not want to lose her and made that very clear. She said the affair “meant nothing” but never apologized.

We now have three wonderful children and a very nice life together. The problem is, I rehash these past circumstances in my mind nearly every single day. I often think about how my life would be different if I had bailed out back then. She is keenly aware of how much this hurt me.

My wife is very happily married and, really, so am I. I think these thoughts have intensified since our children have become young adults. Watching them in their relationships makes me wonder what her reaction would be if my son’s fiancee cheated on him.

How should I handle this? Involving my wife in this matter now is out of the question.

Amy says: So far, your wife’s three-week fling has caused you approximately 25 years of anxiety. If you want to move forward, you should not turn over any more of your personal power to this ancient betrayal.

Please don’t say that involving your wife in this issue is out of the question. You declare that you need an apology (I agree), but this will be impossible if you won’t discuss it. This is not fair to you or your wife. Give yourself a gift and see a counselor with expertise in dealing with men in midlife. Unmask. Be vulnerable. And let your wife in.

Age-appropriate?

Dear Amy: Your answer to “EF in California” is ridiculous. You said that 9 is the age when a child should use a public restroom alone. This kind of overprotectiveness is part of what’s wrong with families today. My 5-year-old uses the restroom alone and does a fine job.

Amy says: The variables here are the child and the restroom, but if you are sending a 5-year-old into a large restroom (at a beach, park or highway rest stop), I do think you should be more cautious.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune.com

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