Each week commenter Clarence Swamptown sends us the UNVARNISHED TRUTH according to him, we clean it up to avoid trouble, and you still laugh. Let's try it again, shall we? Clarence: ---------------- I'm not sure what it is about the first week of April that makes tournament organizers want to dress their champions like goofballs. The NCAA Men's Basketball championship hat look like seed corn caps from the surplus bin at Ragstock. Not to be outdone, the Masters' green jacket is a fashion tradition that could only be dreamed up by 100-year-old guys from Georgia. I think NASCAR has it right: a champion should be dressed with an attractive girl on each arm. That's it -- and it's better than seeing Mickelson dressed up like Snoop Dogg's sidekick. But we're not here to talk about ugly clothes or that ugly basketball game played last night. In Minnesota, the first week of April usually signifies the area's annual golf course openings. There are few things better for shaking off the winter cobwebs than gathering your buddies, loading up some coolers and playing that first round of the season. To celebrate the occasion, we're starting a new feature called the "Outstate Golf Course of the Week".

* Outstate Golf Course of the Week: I cannot think of a better person to kick-off the inaugural OGCW than occasional RandBall commenter pr2005. pr2005 is a doctor, and therefore he spends a lot of time golfing. He's actually a dentist, so don't get too excited. If someone has a heart attack you should still call 911. But being a dentist means that he spends even more time golfing, especially in outstate Minnesota. I'll ask the questions, he'll provide the answers. [Clarence interjections in brackets]. Take it away, pr2005:

Please describe the course: For starters, I would first like to thank Mr. Rand and Clarence for the opportunity to provide the inaugural OSGCW. The main themes I like to stress in an outstate golf course are: (1) A course the average person can play, and (2) how much more awesome golf can be with booze. My OGCW nominee is Chisago Lakes Golf Course in Lindstrom, Minn. (Proprietor note: In high school sports parlance, this would be "metro," but we'll still allow it). I chose this course for a number of reasons. First off, I am a big fan of courses with multiple personalities. The front nine starts with a wide open par 5. Perfect for me to get enough confidence to break out the Pro V's, but after hole one things change drastically, and it usually takes me a sleeve to adjust. Most of the remaining front nine is cut through trees with greens that have multiple tiers. The last couple holes on the front open up just in time to reload with booze at the turn. The back nine is more forgiving, and allows players a better chance to score. Hole 15 is the most picturesque on the course. A short par 4 with an elevated tee box allows longer players to cut the corner over a large pond leaving a short wedge, or for the more conservative player you can hit an iron left of the pond and play a 130 to 160-yard shot to an elevated green.

Please describe their signature hole: The fourth hole is a bear. A mere 364 from the tips, this shorter par four presents a number of challenges for most golfers. A deep ravine with trees to the right and jail on the left makes any weekend warrior (including myself) reach for the Pinnacles. My advice is to hit an iron off the tee or whatever your 175 yard club is...(Clarence that is a 3 wood for you) [Clarence's note: funny stuff, Dr.]. The other option is, if you are on the two-beers per hole ratio like me and barley & hops are the major chemical synapses rendering your brain incapable of hitting anything less than driver, then at least put away the $4 Titleists. The fourth hole doesn't get any easier once you get to the green. The fifth hole is also very challenging. This double dog-leg par 5 has more curves than a hedgehog's [redacted]. Again, at this point you should have a trail of cans following you down the fairway so taking an iron off the tee will feel like blasphemy, but trust me ... just hit the iron. [Forget that. Par 5 = driver. Period.]

More importantly, please describe the beer cart girls: A-squad for the weekends and holidays, and all are better than Orlando-area Perkins waitresses. Sorry Tiger.

Do they have a website? Yes....but apparently only 141 people have "liked" them on the Facebook. That's 139 more than my Facebook page. Can I bring my own beer? Not advised. See Minnesota Statute 340A.101. [Well pardon me Lori Swanson, but I'm still bringing my own beer.] Do I have to wear a shirt? Yes, but they do not have to be collared. [This might be a deal-breaker. Drinking beer outside = no shirt. Period. My cutoff jean shorts look weird if I'm wearing a shirt.] Anything else I should know? At the turn be sure to hit the clubhouse for a 16oz. styrofoam jug of Jack and Coke. If you like 50/50 mixtures of booze and soda, then this is not the place for you. It's more like three-quarters Jack and a splash of Coke. (It's amazing how long gimme putts can become the more you consume). Enjoy the Masters. [Thanks pr2005!] * Country & Western Song of the Week: That Lonesome Song by Jamey Johnson. * The Ideal Playoff System: I had a bunch of words written about last night's basketball game and how the NCAA basketball tournament compares to the BCS, but Mr. Rand beat me to the punch, so all I will say is this: of the major professional and college sports, NCAA basketball is the only sport where a team can theoretically lose every regular-season game and still win the national championship. I love the 64-team tournament, but I'm uncomfortable with a team finishing 9th in their conference and then winning the national championship. That said, the basketball tournament is FAR better than the imbalanced and ridiculous BCS. It's not even close. Every sports championship has its strengths and weaknesses. The NFL playoffs are fairly exclusive, but their one-and-done format doesn't protect good teams from fluky upsets (although a multiple-game series is obviously not feasible). The MLB playoffs are the most exclusive, and do the best job of rewarding regular season performance, but that best-of-five first round series drives me nuts. The NBA and NHL playoffs are probably the most fair. Perhaps too many teams are involved, but the four rounds of best-of-seven series do the best job of rewarding regular season performance and protecting against one-game flukes. Home-ice advantage is not a significant advantage in hockey and a hot goalie can carry a mediocre team, so the NHL playoffs are often iniquitous. All of that considered, the NBA playoff structure is probably the best format for finding the true league champion. Your thoughts on seed corn caps, the OGCW, and the best playoff system are welcome in the comments below.