Advertisement

Withering Glance: Men and beards

Rick Nelson and Claude Peck dispense unasked-for advice about clothing, etiquette, culture, relationships, grooming and more.

January 21, 2012 at 8:34PM
Ashton Kutcher without whiskers.
Ashton Kutcher without whiskers. (Associated Press/The Minnesota Star Tribune)

CP: The for-no-good-reason egocentric celebrity Ashton Kutcher recently showed up with his scruffy beard gone. Much as I don't like him, I have to say that his new look constitutes a big improvement. I know you, as a full-on beard man, will likely disagree.

RN: Ugh, the patchy, barely post-pubescent Kutcher beard. A sorry excuse for the beauty that can be the fully realized manscape.

CP: You might have preferred life during the Civil War era, when every man over 15 had a beard starting just below his eye sockets.

RN: Sure, go to the other extreme. And for the record, I don't prefer the Russian Orthodox Priest look. I'm thinking more like Liev Schreiber, Hugh Jackman, Joe Manganiello, Alexander Skarsgard or Peter Dinklage. They can all rock a thick but carefully trimmed facial lawn.

CP: When you and I did our usual in-depth research recently -- interrupting a bearded man and his clean-shaven friend at lunch -- we unearthed some inside tidbits. Mr. Clean Shaven said his wife swore that if he grew a beard, she'd shave her head bald.

RN: And then he told us that their standoff was the marital equivalent of the nuclear arms race -- and that he had to back down. Bearded Guy -- a prime example of the baldie who can work a full face of whiskers like no tomorrow -- told us about the "one-year rule."

CP: Oh, yeah. Once you go bearded, he said, you've got to commit. At least a year, or the shock of the sudden shave is too great for your loved ones.

RN: Makes sense to me. When I first met you, back in the big, bad mid-1990s, you had been carefully cultivating a rather distinctive goatee for nearly a half-decade. What happened?

Advertisement
Advertisement

CP: I made a mistake. Fortunately, photos of that look were pre-digital, and I have been able to search and destroy them.

RN: Then you haven't seen my latest scrapbook, but I digress. Here's what my friend Tibby recently posted on his Facebook page: "Vancouver has a disproportionately large number of very attractive men with beards. Feel free to 'like.'" Twenty-three of his friends did just that. What does it mean?

CP: Portland, Ore., was the same way. Even the artsy guys in the skinny jeans with fixed-gear bikes have gone all Bon Iver-y.

RN: Heavens to Paul Bunyan, you would think that our subzero metropolis would be wall-to-wall beardage.

CP: I think a lot of straight women still prefer the beardless guy. I believe the same goes for a wide swath of the gays.

RN: Speak for yourself.

Advertisement

CP: I would never presume to speak for you, O Never-Bearded One.

RN: Thanks. I'm not Italian, but it doesn't mean I can't appreciate a nice baked ziti.

Advertisement
about the writer

about the writer

RICK NELSON and CLAUDE PECK, Star Tribune

More from No Section (Assign Gallery and Videos here)

See More

The man suspected of killing a Minnesota lawmaker and wounding another crawled to officers in surrender Sunday after they located him in the woods near his home, ending a massive, nearly two-day search that put the entire state on edge.

Advertisement
Advertisement

To leave a comment, .

Advertisement