Need to cut costs? It might be easier than you think

"I've discovered one simple trick to bring your cable bill down to zero. It's genius! Corporate accountants hate this (do it now)!"

So say the junk ads that invest our beloved internet. They link to a junk site that goes 126 pages before you find the simple trick, and in the meantime sells you remedies for toenail fungus, tinnitus or that most unusual malady, toenail tinnitus. "Stop ringing noise in the shoe now with this one trick audiologists and podiatrists hate!" And there's a picture of someone with a teabag over his nose.

But I do have one simple trick to bring the bill to $0.00: Cancel your cable. No, you say, I need it to watch the Vikings, just like I need a hammer to drive nails into my skull, which has the same effect as watching the Vikings.

OK, but how about cutting the bill in half?

The other day I got a notice that my satellite radio would renew soon. Do I need it? I don't. Oh, there are things I like, but I can live without them. Really. If they found me dead tomorrow, the paramedics wouldn't ask, "Did he just cancel his satellite radio? A lot of people make that mistake. Turns out they can't live without it."

I canceled by chat. The Retention Agent on the other end asked if there was anything they could do to keep me, and I said, "Sure, knock the price down 80%."

Turns out they could do that, and they did. For a year. I realized something: All I had to do was ask. Who knew?

"Hello, cashier? This is Pump 6, and the price of gas is ridiculous. I'm sure you'll tell me it has to do with switching over to winter blends and a refinery fire in Poughkeepsie and price jumps over Qatar's threat to throttle production, but if you don't drop the price to 1965 levels I'm driving right across the street to the other station. What's that? You'll give me 1985's base price but with the 1997 taxes? Deal."

"Hello, is this Baal Mortgage? I am no longer interested in my house. I guess I don't use it as much as I thought, so I'd like to cancel. What's that? Cut the payments in half with a lower interest rate? Wellll ... can you toss in the premium tier, where you cover my escrow? OK, well, I guess I'll stick around, then."

Hello, this is the IRS, right? I need to cancel. Cancel what? The whole tax thing. What's that saying — taxes are the price we pay for a civilized society? Well, someone ran a red light and almost smacked into my wife, and some idiot tagged everyone's garage last night, and there's a streetlight off up the block they never fix. So I'd like to cancel. What? Jail, is that what you said? Well, how about you drop the rates, and I agree to come by once a month and sit in an room unable to leave for a few hours? No?"

Maybe you can't bargain with everyone.