Let's air our gripes about our neighbors

In the newspaper game you get a lot of e-mails that pitch an idea or product, and there's always a follow-up: "Hey, just wanted to circle back and touch base to see if you had any questions about our new GPS-enabled Twins-logo glove that lets you circle back and touch base." As if we've been having this fascinating conversation.

But for once I got something that caught my eye: results of a survey about neighbors, and how they irritate us.

I was curious, because I have great neighbors. Oh sure, when I lived in apartments I'd wonder about the guy upstairs, who seemed to celebrate the witching hour by dropping bowling balls, moving the sofa from room to room and making sounds that indicated he was trying to push a ferret through a clarinet. But now? Lovely people.

Let's see what everyone else is complaining about.

Big bother: Chatty neighbors. Really? I suppose that would be annoying if they never stopped talking, prattling on about the most ridiculous things and followed you into the yard, and then the kitchen.

"So, I saw you were taking out the trash, and, you know, I did that earlier today because they come tomorrow morning. But the thing is, I noticed you put the handles facing out so it's easier for them, and I used to do that, too, but have you ever noticed that they never do that for you? I mean, if we can, so can they; it's just a matter of being considerate — oops, don't suppose you meant the door to shut while you were heading in, I know how it goes, they just get away from you. Say, have you thought of oiling this hinge? Some 4-in-one would do the trick, I got some if you need it. Nice kitchen, I ever tell you that? It's one thing to see it from our house but it's another to be inside."

That can be annoying. Or so they eventually tell me when they want me to leave their kitchen.

But does that mean that a bad fence that leans a bit, has some loose posts and a few rotten slats, makes your neighbor go bad? My fence was in bad shape at the start of the spring, and I tried to remember if my neighbor went bad as well, talking about the crimes he'd been committing lately.

The only bad neighbor around here is the dog, who cannot seem to grasp that the neighbors have a right to be here. The other night the neighbors were having a backyard party, which meant a DEFCON-4, dog-wise. That's annoyance No. 6, and I felt bad about it. Then again, No. 17 on the list is "neighbors who don't invite you to their party."

Kidding! Anyway, another annoyance is "loud footsteps," which either means you're in an apartment or live next to the Bunyans. If you do live next to the Bunyans and you have peeve No. 2, "not cleaning up after pets," you have some serious Blue Ox poop-pile issues, and your kids run in the house screaming because flies tried to carry them off.

No. 10 is "passive aggressiveness," which is a bigger complaint than "overflowing garbage." Which means the people who have overflowing garbage are irritated that their passive-aggressive neighbors push the cans a few feet away, just to quietly hope you get the message. Or, when the garbage is finally picked up, they say, "Well that's different" in that chirpy voice you'd like to shove back down their perky little pie holes. No wonder you're grumpy.

(By the way, chronic Grumpiness is No. 14.)

No. 9: Unkempt lawn. That could be subjective, as we all have our own standards. If everyone in your neighborhood has golf-course perfect lawns, and you mow once a fortnight and have a splash of creeping Charlie on the margins, you're the moral equivalent of someone who has a dead fridge sitting on cinder blocks in the front yard.

Another part of the survey asked what was the appropriate time to start noisy outdoor chores on the weekend, and I was astonished to find that a substantial number of sociopaths think it's OK to operate a leaf blower at 7 a.m. I think you are legally permitted to "horse-whip, cane or otherwise cudgel in a gentlemanly fashion" anyone who does that.

But 63% report that their neighbors are not annoying or just occasionally annoying, and only 4% are so incensed they are ready to move. What the survey didn't say is whether people consider themselves to be annoying. Not surprising. Your barking dog is a nuisance. My barking dog is keeping us informed. Your party is keeping everyone up. My party is bringing life to the neighborhood. Your lawn is a mess. Mine is natural.