If I had to state my age, it would be "keenly interested in taking the surveys offered on store receipts." Hey, you get 5% off your next purchase. I figure, inflation is under 5%, I get 5% off, I'm making money here!

(That was just to cause pain to people who understand math. Sorry.)

There's an art to answering the survey. Was I extremely satisfied? You don't want to give them "extremelys" because then they settle into complacency. Also, "I am extremely satisfied I was able to buy milk" suggests I am a 1980s Soviet émigré who just woke up from a long coma.

A few "dissatisfieds" will keep them on their toes. Add an "extremely dissatisfied" into the mix in some nonessential part that won't get anyone fired, just to show you're not a fanboy. "I was extremely dissatisfied with the selection of frozen foods. I wanted a borscht and rutabaga smoothie, and you only had one brand, and it wasn't organic."

One constant question: "Was there any team member who helped you?" Yes, my card wasn't working; it said "chip malfunction." The team member cleaned it off with an alcohol-based solution, tried it again, called the bank when it didn't work, extended a personal line of credit, completed the purchase and carried the bags to my car, where he noted that my left rear tire was low, whereupon he blew it up with a portable air compressor. But you know that rubber thing that goes on the valve? He didn't screw it all the way back, and I had to tighten it myself when I got home, so maybe you should have a talk with him. I think his name is Chip McFunction or something.

I always feel as if I've accomplished something when I've filled out these surveys, and it made me look back at my visit and reflect. So I think we should get a QR code today that lets us fill out a survey for the year, and get, oh, 5% more sleep in 2024.

Did this year meet your expectations? No, but it turns out that getting rich and handsome requires some effort on my part, so that's on me. / Yes, since my new baseline is "no plague or city in flames," I'm easy to please.

What was your purpose for visiting 2023? A) Self-improvement, reading long magazine articles about serious things, connecting with old friends, making new ones, leaning a new language on that Duolingo app! B) More of the same but maybe better, somehow, I don't know, I could probably do salads more. What's that one dressing I like, the red one? Western! That's it.

Were you able to successfully fulfill these purposes? Yes, inasmuch as I adjusted my purposes downward to consist of "finishing all the streaming shows I started" and "cancelling Duolingo before it auto-renews." / No, the store didn't carry Western, so I ordered it from Amazon, but someone stole the box off my porch

Did anyone assist you in 2023? No, managed fine on my own. / Yes, in the sense that we are all interconnected in ways we rarely consider, from the utility workers who keep the lights on to the person who gives you a random smile that stays with you all day, a simple elemental act of connection that underscores our shared human experience while highlighting the isolation we come to accept as normal — it's all a matrix of mutual assistance that makes each day possible, but. ...

That's sufficiently holistic, thank you. Would you like to tell us about anyone who assisted you?

My loved ones, the good people in the world, the newspaper readers — too many to name. Except for Chip McFunction. But to all: Happy new year! And here we go again.