Q: My children's mother and I are breaking up. We are trying to figure out what's best for our two young children — should they both go back and forth between our homes or one live with each of us? What's good ex-etiquette?

A: Good ex-etiquette is that you continue to look for ways to positively interact with the other parent. Parenting plans must depend on the children's age and emotional and psychological development. Most would opt for the kids to go back and forth between parents, but that can be very difficult for some children, who fare better living primarily with one parent. It's a wise and unselfish parent who doesn't take this personally. As your children get older and more settled, a new parenting plan can be adopted that divides the children's time more equally.

How do you decide what to do now? There are people you can consult. If your children are of school age, their teachers may be able to offer insight. If they are in counseling, of course their therapist would be a great resource. Last, but certainly not least, having a heart-to-heart with the other parent may offer the most insight of all.

You may wonder why I didn't say consult the children. Asking a child which parent they want to live with puts them on the spot and adds to the trauma they may be facing.

Make the decision with the other parent and then tell the children what you have decided and why. Listen to their reaction and be as sensitive as possible, but beware. Most younger kids don't have the tools or emotional maturity to make an informed decision; however, it may be appropriate for older children to weigh in. If you must go to court, judges will generally consult children over 16.

I am not an advocate of splitting up children — one living with each parent. There are times when it may be appropriate for older children, but because younger children usually go back and forth between parents on the same schedule, they look to each other for a feeling of stability and security. Take that away and you may be doing more damage than good.

All in all, if you are asking the question that means you are trying to put the children first, and that's great ex-etiquette.

Jann Blackstone is the founder ofbonusfamilies.com.