If you want a loving, long-lasting relationship, you need to be humble.
In a world filled with self-aggrandizing online dating profiles, it may seem counterintuitive to think of being humble as a relationship magnet. But "humility is a direct expression of someone who is truly confident and possesses high self-esteem," said Shaelyn Pham, a psychologist in Los Angeles and author of "The Joy of Me."
It may be that simple — and that hard. Simple because humility involves mainly one thing: sacrificing self-gratification to meet your partner's needs. And hard because that doesn't come naturally for many people.
"Cultivating humility can be tough, especially because the people who need it the most might not realize they're lacking in it," said Daryl Van Tongeren, assistant professor of psychology at Hope College in Holland, Mich.
Van Tongeren is co-author of a study published in "Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice." He and his colleagues examined how humility creates a self-fueling circle of trust and support, which in turn is powered by the reward of increased commitment. They also found that humility in a partner creates a capacity for greater forgiveness when he or she is rude or hurtful.
"When you're confident of who you are and who you're not, you're open to learning about what you do not know," Pham said. "So when issues arise in a relationship, those with humility are more willing to listen to understand [rather than] listen to be reactively combative."
Lisa Ryan, a counselor in Westport, Conn., agreed.
"In clients who are humble, there is not a major drive to be right," Ryan said. "They are more likely to accept a point of view other than their own as having validity; they have less of a need to lobby their spouse or partner to see it their way."
