Just because you're a national expert on aging with 30 years in the field doesn't mean that caring for your aged mother comes any easier.

A few years ago, Dr. Robert Kane, a physician who heads the U of M Center on Aging, was so frustrated with the problems he and his sister faced after caring for their aging mom that he wrote a book about the long-term care system. The title: "It Shouldn't Be This Way: The Failure of Long-Term Care."

He also started an online support group for fellow professionals in aging who are caregivers, Professionals with Personal Experience with Chronic Care (www.ppecc.org).

Now he's written "The Good Caregiver," a guide to help others provide effective and compassionate care -- lessons he learned caring for his mother.

"It doesn't matter what your training is, nobody's very good at this unless they've been though it before," Kane said.

"I've studied this for years. But I did not truly understand how difficult, grueling and sometimes rewarding care-giving is until I went through it myself."

His No. 1 lesson: "You can't do it alone. You don't have enough energy and knowledge to do it by yourself," he said. "I'm a big fan of finding an advocate, a professional care manager who can help you assess the problems and find the best answers." In Minnesota, he said, a good place to start is the state-supported Minnesota Senior Linkage Line, 1-800-333-2433.

No. 2: "You're in a marathon, not a sprint, and you don't know how long you'll have to keep going. So pace yourself, don't expect perfection and pick your fights."

In 328 pages, the book explores such issues as incontinence, driving, medications, coping with doctors and hospitals, choosing a nursing home, money and legal issues, death and dying and taking care of yourself.

"I tried not to tell people what to do, but how to approach problem-solving," Kane said. "Everyone's experience will be different, but it helps if you have some idea of what the road ahead might look like."

Warren Wolfe • 612-673-7253