Ask Amy: Wife wants to be a roommate

Dear Amy: I’ve been married for 30 years, I believed happily. My wife was never demonstrative emotionally, but I believed that we loved each other.

Three years ago, she told me that she no longer was interested in sex and didn’t see that changing. This was a surprise to me, but the one rule of our sex life was that we not discuss it.

We saw a counselor, and it helped with other communication issues, but after a year, she said she still “doesn’t see anything changing.”

We still live together, are still friendly and have a young adult child who hasn’t left home yet. But there is no physical contact between us, no matter how casual or innocent. She didn’t offer as much as a pat on the shoulder when I got laid off, or when I took our elderly cat to the vet to be put to sleep.

She says she just doesn’t feel emotions very strongly anymore, and she’s fine with that. I’ve done lots of research, and the prevailing opinion in cases like mine is: “Your marriage is over.” But I love my wife, and I very much enjoy the life we’ve built together. I can’t imagine trying to start over.

I keep coming back to the conclusion that the only real problem is that I still want a sexual relationship. I can ignore it for months at a time, but I can’t banish it completely. If I could just get rid of that, I think my relationship would be fine. Am I kidding myself?

Amy says: You have described a relationship devoid of kindness, caring, meaningful communication or any kind of emotional or physical intimacy. You’ve fixed on the lack of sex as the only missing ingredient. But, from your description, everything is missing.

Dear Amy: My husband and I have two children. The elder, “Ava,” is 11. My kids are very close with my parents, and, given that we live in the same town, my folks have been very involved in their lives.

Ava recently came home from an overnight visit with my folks and told me that my mother suggested that she should shave her legs. My mother has a habit of giving advice about bodies, clothes and grooming. She once cut my daughter’s hair without permission from either of us.

I had to accept this when I was a child, but I don’t like it now. What do you think I should do?

Amy says: First, you should talk to your daughter. Emphasize that her body belongs to her, and that nobody has the right to tell her what to do with it.

Then deliver the same message to your mother. Repeat whenever necessary.