Ask Amy: Wedding finances cost her input

Dear Amy: Recently my partner and I got engaged. My parents won't attend our wedding for religious reasons. (We're both women.)

That's not why I'm writing. The issue is finances. If it were just us paying for the wedding, we'd be going to city hall and then out to a bar with friends. (I am a full-time grad student.) But my partner's parents are willing to foot the bill for a ceremony and reception. They've been supportive of our relationship, treat me like family and are financially able.

I'm wondering how many people I should invite. I have other relatives who, unlike my parents, are supportive of my relationship. But I'm self-conscious about putting a lot of people on my in-laws' tab.

I'm also hesitant to voice my opinions about what I'd like at the wedding and reception. I want to express gratitude for their generosity, but expressing any preferences in planning feels bratty. On the other hand, I know that by remaining quiet I'm running the risk of looking disinterested or ungrateful.

Can you offer some direction?

Amy says: I advocate for couples to finance their own weddings. This involves both parties fully participating to raise the money for their wedding and reception.

In "traditional" weddings, the bride's parents are expected to pay for the wedding reception, and so you could see this offer as hewing to a traditional practice.

Communicating about this will be good practice for the rest of your marriage. You should express all of your concerns to your partner, and the two of you should have a fully transparent meeting with her parents.

It's important to understand that even if her folks are fully financing the wedding, you and your partner have equal rights to be involved.

Dear Amy: My ex-fiancée, "Alyse," dumped me because I have women friends. There was nothing other than friendship. My interactions with them never affected my time with Alyse, and I was always transparent.

Even so, she made an ultimatum that I drop my women friends, which I refused, and after a while, she ended the relationship.

Part of the problem is Alyse had been seeing a therapist who told her that I "have women friends to feed my ego," that I "prey on insecure women," and that I had "an asexual love relationship" with one friend.

We don't talk now, which is partly my fault, because I, regrettably, blew up when she ended things. However, I miss her like crazy and wonder if I should have given in to her demands, and if there's any way to reconnect.

Do you have any suggestions?

Amy says: It is hard to imagine a therapist advising against joint counseling, unless with an abuser. Alyse might have misrepresented her therapist's views.

You say that your interactions with women friends never affected your time with Alyse, and yet they did, because these relationships brought forth so much insecurity.

Regardless, she laid down her non-negotiables and then followed through. That's the whole point of an ultimatum. I suspect that if you had given in, other issues would have surfaced. I suggest that you move on.