Ask Amy: Establish rules before taking in granddaughter

Dear Amy: After her high school graduation, my 18-year-old granddaughter is coming to stay with us to work for a year and establish residency in our state, which is awash in good quality public universities.

I want the experience to be positive, but I know clear expectations are important. My husband and I drew up a list of things that we expect from her: Getting a job, taking care of her bedroom and bathroom, learning to drive and to use public transportation, no male overnight guests, house sit when we take short trips — things like that.

We do not expect her to pay rent; we are doing this because college is expensive, and we want to help.

Is there an important point we are missing? What are some pitfalls we should be aware of?

Amy says: I lived with family members during my first year of college, and I will always look back on that time with extreme gratitude. I also wonder if I did enough while I was with them to ease their burden for housing, feeding and taking such good care of me.

All of your expectations are reasonable, but I suggest that you take them in reasonable stages. Focus on the transportation issue first, because that will enable her to get herself back and forth to a job.

After she moves in, negotiate a reasonable nighttime curfew, and emphasize that she should contact you if she is running late (this is an extremely important safety issue for a new commuter in a new city).

Don't hover over her too closely, and understand that she (and you) will occasionally fail. And don't raise only those issues where there is room for improvement, but also acknowledge the important transition she is making.

Dear Amy: The past 18-month period has been psychologically, physically and financially hard on us.

My husband got injured at work, and I lost my job. We decided to cash in our 401(k) plans and consider being retired. My husband and I are 49 and 50.

We have two grown sons (late 20s) who are both married. One of them is the father of my granddaughter. Neither man is well off, but they both are doing OK for their families.

My husband and I decided to give each son and their wives a generous cash Christmas present this year. We had it and shared it.

My husband and I can't help but feel slighted. Should I let them know that they hurt our feelings, or should we just let it go?

Amy says: My main reaction is to your choice to cash in your savings and "retire" at 50. By cashing out early, you've already lost a percentage of your savings through the penalty for early withdrawal.

You and your husband are at least 12 years away from receiving Social Security. Even if he is receiving disability compensation, this is an extremely short-sighted choice to make.

My second reaction is to your choice to give a portion of this money to people who don't need it or — it seems — want it.

I hope you will reflect on your own situation and make sounder financial choices. And yes, you should let your sons know exactly how wounded you feel.