Ask Amy: Child-free man hates ball pit

Dear Amy: Every time we plan to go out with my girlfriend’s brother and his wife, the outings revolve around their children.

As a happily child-free man in his 40s, I have no desire to spend my Saturday watching kids play in a crowded play space. I have suggested activities that are child-friendly, like the bike park or skiing. These are activities I would also enjoy, yet they aren’t suitable for his youngest child, so my ideas get shut down.

My girlfriend wants me to have a relationship with her family (and I do, too), but these kid-centric hangs are like torture for me. How can I explain that I don’t want to hang out with her young nieces without upsetting the balance?

Amy says: These young parents are very caught up with their children. Because this is basically the definition of being a parent, you should accept that this is their life, their choice, and quite possibly their greatest joy.

That being said, I understand that even people who love children don’t necessarily enjoy spending Saturday mornings at the ball pit with kids who are not related to them.

As an aunt, your girlfriend is heavily vested in this relationship. But you are not, and you don’t need to be.

These Saturday mornings are not about you. If you want to get to know these parents better, you might ask if they can find a sitter some evening so that you adults can socialize together.

Dear Amy: Over the last four years, I have suffered a series of blows (the breakup of a long-term relationship, COVID, then losing my job). Even before this, I struggled with depression and dysfunction.

Over the last few months my parents, who live almost 1,000 miles away, have become more worried about me. Mainly because I live alone. I have talked with my therapist about it, and we are taking steps to address their concerns.

Nonetheless, my mother “sounded the warning,” as it were, to my two older siblings. My sister lives just a few miles from me, but we only speak or meet a few times a year. This has been the case for about 15 years. My brother and I never speak. We’re not estranged, but we’ve never been close, even as kids. We hardly even converse at family functions.

Now my brother is coming to my area soon with his young son. He sent me a text asking if I wanted to meet up with them.

He made this trip a few years ago with his older child, and I didn’t even know about it until after they had left. I strongly suspect that he only asked to see me this time because my mom insisted that he do so.

Amy says: When it comes to family relationships, motivations are many, varied and slippery. Sometimes we visit our folks because we feel guilty, endure birthday parties out of obligation or attend awkward Thanksgiving dinners for the sake of family unity.

And sometimes, we try to renew a dormant sibling relationship because our parents ask us to.

So yes, your brother’s effort to reach out may in fact be the result of pressure from your mother, but your mutual obligation (his to reach out, yours to accept) might lead to something surprising and positive. Agree to meet up.