Ask Amy: Boyfriend’s hoarding messes up relationship

Dear Amy: “Dave” and I have dated for four years. We love each other and are both committed to our relationship. Although we have agreed not to marry, having survived devastating divorces, we have talked at length about consolidating our homes and moving in together.

My trepidation has completely paralyzed me. Dave is a professional who earns an extremely good living. He is very particular in his dress and grooming. His house, however, is a nightmare! I believe that he is a hoarder. He lives amid overwhelming clutter in every room (as well as throughout his multiple garages).

He has bank statements from 25 years ago, old food and expired pharmaceuticals, moldy books and papers and on and on. Although divorced for a decade, he has yet to discard his ex-wife’s clothing and books (she has told him that she does not want these things).

We had discussed the possibility of his moving into my house. I keep my house fairly neat and organized. I am very afraid of his turning my home into the likes of his.

We also have entertained the idea of selling both of our homes and making a fresh and clean start, although my concerns about his lifestyle persist. However, real estate brokers have told him that in its present state, his house cannot even be shown to prospective buyers.

I find it very unlikely that our relationship can progress beyond what it is now, and I am terribly frustrated and disappointed. What is your advice?

Amy says: Your description of Dave’s home does indicate that he has a serious hoarding disorder. And no — you should absolutely not combine households unless he receives treatment and demonstrates that he is in long-term remission.

If he moves into your home or if you two move into a new place together, Dave will likely hold onto his house and storage buildings (because he won’t be able to part with possessions, and his property is unsellable). He will then expand his hoarding into any household you two share.

Hoarding is not a character flaw, but a heartbreaking mental health disorder. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (nami.org) connects hoarding with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).

Hoarding Cleanup (hoardingcleanup.com) provides a directory of fee-based cleanup services and mental health providers specializing in hoarding behavior.

Dear Amy: My wife and I are staying with my sister and her family while our house is being renovated. We have witnessed how they do things, and I have a serious issue with how my sister is raising her children, who are 10 and 7.

My sister and I grew up on a farm, and by their ages we were extremely competent in taking care of ourselves. We also had barn chores after school. Her children don’t do anything to help at home. They don’t make their own beds (my sister does it), don’t put their school lunches together (my sister does it), and they only take care of the dog when an adult reminds them.

Amy says: It is the height of entitlement to criticize your sister’s parenting choices while staying as a guest in her home. I suggest that you reflect on your own lofty attitude (while accepting your sister’s hospitality), and keep your thoughts to yourself.