Dear Amy: Years ago, I had an affair with the wife of a good friend (and co-worker). The affair ended my marriage, but somehow they managed to hold theirs together.
Even though we all live in the same city, our paths very seldom cross, but when they have, we act like we don't know each other. We have not exchanged one word since the affair ended.
I truly would like to apologize for the role that I played in this mess, but I am unsure about whether that would be helpful. I don't know what bringing up this subject after all this time might do to their relationship.
This thought has left me unable to move forward with an apology. Do you think that writing a letter of apology to both of them would be appropriate?
Amy says: My inclination is to say no, but this doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.
Before doing so, you should very carefully examine your reasons for wanting to do this, and walk through the possible unintended consequences. In short, are you doing this for you or for them? Delivering an apology definitely could help you, but is there any way this could help them?
Your regret and acceptance of responsibility is laudable, but if you are looking for forgiveness, you might be disappointed. Contacting this couple would insert you back into their lives, at least temporarily. And an apology letter probably would not make your occasional meetings any more comfortable.
If you choose to write such a letter, it seems to me that it should be sent to your friend and former co-worker — the husband you helped to betray — rather than the two of them. And while you're at it, writing a letter of apology to your former wife would be a very good idea. I heartily endorse an effort to make amends with her.
