Apologize correctly - or you'll be sorry

Apologizing isn't so much an art as a sport. When approached as a skill to build, governed by a few simple rules, the apology almost always achieves its goal -- despite any fumbles during delivery. When it's over, everyone wins.

Here's how to go about it:

Forget dodge ball. Apologizing is a contact sport.

"Eye-to-eye, face-to-face, that's the one way it works," said Maribeth Kuzmeski, author of "The Engaging Child."

Kids tend to apologize these days by text message.

"That seems to be accepted," she said. "Apologies are situational sometimes. But, as a parent, if my daughter apologized by text message to me, I would say, 'Are you kidding me?' Teenager to teenager may be one way, but teen to adult or adult to adult, if you really mean it, you go face-to-face."

Find a segue. Rolling into the apology is often the toughest part. Kuzmeski suggests a transitional, "Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something." That signals the matter is important. Next you might say, "I know you were unhappy with something that I did, and I'd like to talk to you about that."

Don't qualify it. Banish the "if" and "but," as in, "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, but your outfit reminded me of my dad's Naugahyde recliner." Those qualifiers or justifiers will bury a deeper hole. If you can't apologize without them, don't apologize.

Don't expect instant absolution. "You want the other person to tell you it's OK. And they may not do that," she said. Perhaps your apology lacked conviction; you might wish to reiterate how sorry you are and add, if it's a personal relationship (not business), "Will you please forgive me?" If the person replies, "Stop apologizing -- it's over already!" do stop. The person might just need time.