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Hax: She's dreading move abroad for his work

  • Article by: CAROLYN HAX
  • May 20, 2014 - 2:37 PM

Dear Carolyn: I am writing because my husband and I are facing a huge dilemma. He cannot find a job in the United States. He recently got a job offer in Asia and wants us to go.

I have conflicting emotions about this, as I do not speak the language and feel it would be very isolating for me. I would be leaving all my family and friends. We have no kids and my husband thinks now is the time to take a risk. Any advice?

Carolyn says: I’m kicking this to the most bad-ass motivational speaker I’ve run across:

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

Eleanor Roosevelt, of course.

While “horror” is a tad strong for choosing to accept a job overseas vs., say, being deployed or deported there, I am sympathetic to concerns of isolation. Even for a gregarious person, parachuting into a language barrier and a cultural divide while your spouse heads off to work can be daunting.

But, hello — er, konnichiwa/ni hao/anyong haseyo/etc. — there are language schools (in which you enroll the moment you OK the move), and expat communities, and Skype, and basic inner resources that mankind has tapped into in the face of all manner of daunting experiences.

So instead of “risk” or “dilemma,” try on “adventure.” “Challenge.” “A chance to push my limits” ... or just “prove to myself I’m not soft.” Then see how you feel about going.

If you do agree to the move, vow to embrace it with your whole heart. In return, request a promise from him to pull the plug — after a year? X years? — should you develop a misery your efforts can’t fix.

Just make sure you choose a long enough period for you to reasonably expect some roots to grow, and arrive prepared. Considering that it can take a year or more for people to adjust to a domestic move, going there with an eye on the exit date will defeat the purpose completely.

Prepping the parents

Hi, Carolyn: I’m a 22-year-old in a long-distance relationship. Recently, his parents asked if we plan on moving in together when we are living in the same city (in a year). His parents are religious and do not approve.

We had planned on living together, and agree that answering their question honestly is the most respectful option. How can we tell them without offending them or being disrespectful?

Carolyn says: Technically, you’re a year away from this hard place. Nothing’s certain till you sign a lease, and just because his parents seem to be looking for trouble doesn’t mean you have to help them find it.

Your boyfriend can certainly set the stage in the meantime, by explaining that your being together is a year away and therefore premature to discuss, but that, for the record, he does not share their disapproval of cohabitation. His maintaining this is about him, not you, while they process this would be the kind and mature thing, not to mention shrewd.

E-mail Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her at 11 a.m. Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

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