More Minnesota couples are opting to be married by a friend rather than a faith leader

Few traditions made the cut when Turkeyes Laffity and Thomas Maddux exchanged their wedding vows.

There was no church. Instead, the pair, both musicians, staged their ceremony at the Kitty Cat Klub in Dinkytown in Minneapolis.

There were no matching bridesmaid dresses or tuxedos. They and their 200 guests wore fanciful costumes rather than formal wedding garb.

And in place of a minister or justice of the peace, the ceremony was officiated by the bride and groom's roommate and fellow band member, who performed his duties dressed as a Jedi.

"He'd lived with us and watched our relationship bloom from the get-go," said Maddux, of Minneapolis. "We wanted a fun party with our friends to celebrate what we feel for each other, and he contributed to that."

"Star Wars" costume aside, Laffity and Maddux's nuptials weren't outside the norm. In fact, contemporary couples are as likely to stand before a friend or family member on their wedding day as they are to have a legal or religious professional officiating.

In the 2018 Real Weddings Study by wedding website the Knot, 49% of couples were married by someone they have a personal relationship with, a sharp jump from 31% in 2011.

The trend, which has been building for years, reflects the desire of couples to be more casual and more personal by crafting customized wedding ceremonies, often without the conventional scripture, prayers, rituals and blessings. It's fueled in part by relaxed officiating laws, which have made it easier for anyone to quickly obtain credentials to legally preside at a service.

It's also another indicator that fewer Americans are attached to a faith community. "This is a sign of how we have become spiritual but not religious," said the Rev. Karen Hutt, vice president for student formation, vocation and innovation at the United Theological Seminary in St. Paul. "The idea of religious says 'clergy,' the idea of spiritual says 'friend, someone I trust and admire and who shares my values.'

"We are in a new world with the democratization of spirituality. We live in a do-it-yourself culture."

Being part of that DIY culture means jettisoning some of the trappings that come with traditional religious ceremonies. But some clergy members warn that it also means losing essential preparation for marriage and the support that can come from being part of a religious or spiritual community.

Before a wedding in a house of worship officiated by a religious figure, couples often attend compulsory premarital classes, a benefit that Hutt said is lost without a faith-based connection.

"It's important to have couples counseling," she said. "It creates a therapeutic circle around the marriage. If a couple get their best buddy to marry them, when things fall apart they might not have anyone to go to who knows them and their relationship."

'A need for ritual'

Couples who want a more devout ceremony are opting for professional clergy members, but often are holding their ceremonies outside of a church, synagogue or temple.

Since her ordination, the Rev. Becca Fletcher has worked as a health care chaplain. She estimates that she's officiated at 15 weddings of friends, co-workers, a hockey teammate and several young adults she'd connected with as a church youth adviser.

"I've done weddings in backyards, cabins and at venues. Only one was in a church," said Fletcher, of Hugo.

"These couples may not have a relationship with a pastor or a religious tradition, but they want a more reverent ceremony. We all have a need for ritual to mark big things in our lives."

Along with welcoming guests and guiding the speaking of vows, Fletcher creates a homily written specifically for the couple, with a customized message for their relationship. That echoes an element often present in traditional religious nuptials.

"In the weddings I do, I include the families and the gathered congregation and ask them to support the promises the couple are making," she said.

"I bring in the village. That can't hurt."

'A bright spirit'

After 15 years together, Barbara Schulz and Deb Balzer went from partners to spouses, marrying in an intimate service at a friend's farm in Wisconsin.

"Deb and I both grew up Catholic, but a Catholic wedding was not possible or something that we would want," said Schulz, of Northfield.

Instead, they asked a close friend to do the honors.

"She had been my roommate when Deb and I started dating and was very supportive of the relationship from the beginning," Schulz said.

"She's a bright spirit and created the atmosphere that was perfect. We wanted to feel surrounded by love as we entered the marriage."

But no matter how beloved by the couple, an inexperienced officiant can present a wedding wild card.

"That person is the master of ceremonies of the wedding, and they're not always prepared for how big that role is," said Kelsey Becker, a wedding planner at Bellagala in St. Paul. "A friend who doesn't understand and prepare, it can create a train wreck."

It's not just memories and photographs that are riding on a cohesive performance that makes a relationship legal. According to the Knot's survey, the average Minnesota wedding costs just over $27,000, an investment that could be imperiled by an ill-prepared officiant.

"It happens when that person clams up or doesn't have a message that's thought out," Becker said.

"I've seen them babble when they get nervous or bring up anecdotes about the bride or groom that aren't appropriate for a wedding."

That's why Becker recommends that brides and grooms clearly communicate about what they want from their officiant, especially one who has little or no experience. It's fine to allow the officiant to prepare his or her own message, she said, but the couple "should be clear about what it should encompass," she said.

Becker is practicing what she preaches.

The 29-year-old Stillwater resident is getting married this month and has asked her beloved Uncle Jeff to perform the ceremony. She's seen him in action: He officiated at one other wedding — Becker's sister's.

"He knows us, so he can make it entertaining and heartfelt," she said. "I saw how he handled the first one. I have confidence in him, and that's good. No one wants to be disappointed on their wedding day."

Kevyn Burger is a Minneapolis-based freelance broadcaster and writer.