Dear Amy: For several years I had a best friend, “Steve,” with whom I had quite a tumultuous relationship. Although he claimed to be straight and I am gay, it ultimately transitioned into a sexual relationship quite unexpectedly, leading him to break up with his girlfriend. A few months later, my friend skipped town to try to sort out his conflicting feelings.
Overnight, he was never heard from again — by me or other friends. He really did disappear, having told me that his sexual feelings and his behaviors were things he needed to sort through.
Cut to 13 years later — I’m in a good, stable relationship with “Danny.” We really love each other but don’t have a satisfying sexual relationship.
Now, out of the blue Steve called me to say he is moving back. He said he’d love to see me and “get our friendship back on track” and get together with his girlfriend and my partner.
I acknowledge (and have worked through with therapists) that when Steve added sex to our relationship, I developed feelings for him. But that was a long time ago.
My partner knows all of this. I’d like to see Steve separately, to know why things happened the way they did. I know that by rehashing the past I’m potentially opening old wounds. I’m also sending a signal to my partner that someone from my past matters as much as he does.
Am I doing something wrong by seeing Steve when he’s in town? Should I allow myself to explore the wounds that were left in an effort to understand myself more?
Amy says: If you’ve worked this through with therapists and worked this out with your partner, I’m left wondering what, exactly, you hope to work out with “Steve.”
It is not cheating to see a friend separately from your partner, but it is wrong to see someone with this sort of sexually charged shared history without your partner knowing about it. I agree with you that this is risky. A phone conversation might be best.
Sympathy at a distance
Dear Amy: Four years ago, after 30 years of marriage, my wife divorced me. We get along but live in separate cities and only see each other if there is an event involving our adult children. Neither of us has remarried.
I never felt close to my in-laws. My former mother-in-law is in her late 80s, and as I anticipate her death, I wonder if I should attend her funeral. I would rather not. Travel would be a significant expense for me, and I would be very uncomfortable. Is it important that I attend for the sake of my children?
Amy says: The way you describe the dynamic within your family, it seems that your sudden presence at this funeral would create more discomfort than the comfort you might hope to provide to others. When this event happens, you can express your sympathy from a distance.
Keeping kids safe
Dear Amy: I’m responding to the letter from the mom who was accused of being overly protective and neurotic in supervising her 4-year-old son at the grandparents’ home. Your suggestion was to “let your child have some freedom, but watch the perimeter.”
In September, my 2-year-old granddaughter was killed trying to climb a stand which held a television. Although the television should not have been on that particular stand to begin with, I believe in my heart that had she been supervised, she would be alive today.