Q: My husband has an 8-year-old son from a one-night stand that happened years before we met. Because the parents were never together — no marriage, no divorce, no relationship at all, does that change the need to follow the rules of good ex-etiquette?

While I understand co-parenting philosophically and we are cordial at the child's sporting events, I don't think "the rules" necessarily apply to us. Are there any exceptions for this scenario?

A: Not really. Although the fact that the parents were never in a relationship may upset some, that fact really has no bearing on if good behavior should apply when raising the child.

The child was born and that's enough for the parents to put their individual issues aside — and that's exactly when the 10 rules of good ex-etiquette for parents are designed to help. They start with rule No. 1, "put the children first" and include other rules like "don't bad-mouth" and "don't hold grudges." The full list can be found at exetiquette.com.

Ironically, the rule that might concern you the most is No. 4: "Parents make the rules; bonusparents uphold them." That means the biological parents make the rules for the child and it's your job as the bonusparent to uphold the rules they put in place. Any collaboration between your husband and the mother of his child may be difficult for you to accept — and therefore, you think it's questionable that the rules apply to you.

That mother and father were never in a relationship may actually make co-parenting easier. When negotiating is difficult, it's often suggested that co-parents do their best to put their negative emotions aside and approach their interaction as they would a business relationship. That means mother and father treat each other not as "exes" or advisories, but as a business associate, both on the same team looking for a solution to a common problem.

You may think this approach is somewhat ridiculous — after all, they have "no relationship" and you are his wife. But, you, in particular, could have a huge impact on how this plays out. In truth, all of you should have been on the same page from the beginning, not looking for excuses for why your situation is different. You married a man with a child. The child's welfare is the primary concern. From that point of reference, it shouldn't matter how he came into existence.

Finally, the "one big happy family" scenario is not for everyone, and it should not be attempted by those who are not ready. This child has had two very separate homes for quite a while and that's fine if the parents are polite to each other during transitions and the child is not made to feel like a second-class citizen at either home.

Cordial at sporting events is a great place to start. When the parent figures are comfortable, the child will be comfortable — and that's good ex-etiquette.

Jann Blackstone is founder of bonusfamilies.com.