Q My husband and I are separated. Our friends, whom we considered the other half of our family, picked him and cut off communication with me. Am I wrong to think them terribly rude when they celebrated my son's birthday and excluded me?

A It's not uncommon to celebrate separately after separation -- most people do -- but it's bad when friends take sides after the breakup.

Granted, there might be times when there has been blatant wrongdoing, and, in those cases, taking sides is understandable. But as you describe it, your family friends just chose your ex and left you high and dry. We all know there might be more to the story -- but sometimes there's not.

As much as we support your desire to continue to celebrate as a family, we never suggest divorced or separated parents celebrate together until they are ready. In your case, you're just recently separated. This is the time that emotions run the highest -- and the kids are watching. What you do now sets precedent for how quickly your kids adjust and how secure they feel after divorce.

It's time to accept that your family structure is changing because of your breakup. That means for the time being, two of everything -- two birthdays, two Thanksgivings, two Christmases. Little will be the same, including how you interact with old friends.

When you can relax and not be hurt by everything your ex does and says, that's when you might consider celebrating together, not before.

It's obvious that your ex wants to approach your breakup more conventionally -- keeping things separate. Based on that, he's doing exactly what he should do. Unfortunately, it sounds as if he's also cutting off communication, and that's not good co-parenting. Time for a calm heart-to-heart in a public place -- no alcohol -- so that each of you understands what you can expect in the future.

Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, are the authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents."