In our infinite wisdom, we have decided that Clarence Swamptown should have a weekly post all his own. Time will tell if we come to regret this. For now, the debut of "Clearance Clarence." It should be noted that his views on WCHA hockey, local architecture and other such things do not necessarily represent those of RandBall, other commenters or the Star Tribune at large.

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Michael Rand has generously asked if I would like to submit a guest post every Tuesday. Thank you Mr. Rand, I am honored. My father always said that my smart-alec mouth would only get me in trouble. LOOK AT ME NOW, DAD. As with anyone who gives me any responsibility, I am sure Mr. Rand will quickly regret this decision.

I will admit that I initially misunderstood the offer. It was awkward when I knocked on Mr. Rand's office door looking for my cubicle. Eventually everything was squared away. The surgery to extract my lunchbox was successful and the jail time gave me a chance to think of what to do with 300 words every week. We know that Stu and Jon do a great job with their respective "Hunt Down" and "Weekend Links". I cannot compete with that. If I get a second post, maybe I will think of recurring bit. Today I am just going to offer a handful of topics that are on my mind. Some of them are talkers that I hope you expand upon in the comments. Some of them might turn into ongoing themes. I don't know. I am definitely open to suggestions.

  • A vote for J.J. is a vote for dreamy: Please allow me to be the 12,000th guy on the internet to fully endorse the Hardy-Gomez trade. One angle that has not been discussed is J.J. Hardy's popularity with the ladies. Last summer I was in Milwaukee to watch the Twins play the Brewers, and most of the women were wearing Hardy jerseys. I predict that Hardy will quickly catapult past Cuddyer and Morneau to become the female Twins fan's second-favorite player, behind Joe Mauer. I also predict that www.babeslovebaseball.com will, as always, do a tremendous job covering this angle and all things baseball.
  • New Twins Uniforms: I like the new Twins uniforms that were unveiled yesterday. I do think the new non-pinstriped road uniform looks too much like the Cleveland Indians' road uniform. That is not a compliment.
  • A Little Known Fact About Local Architecture: The Weisman Building at the University of Minnesota is stupid.
  • Country and Western Song of the Week: "Big Ole Brew" by Mel McDaniel. The first verse: "I work a double shift at the plant, and I work on the outside. I'd a lot rather be back home making love to my new bride. There's only two things that I want when I'm back in my double-wide: That's a big ole brew, and little ole you." He's no Bernie Taupin, but that is some poetry right there.
  • Reasons Why UND Hockey Stinks: Each week I will list a reason why UND Hockey stinks. The reason will involve no research or statistical proof. Each week Mr. Rand will delete this section, as he should. Nobody will ever see it but Mr. Rand. And that's the point (I'm not even sure if Michael is a fan of UND Hockey, but it's still cathartic.). Let's start with the low-hanging fruit: UND Hockey stinks because all of the players are Canadian and super old.
  • Vikings New Stadium Roadblock #5,280: A Lot Of People Still Do Not Know Who The Vikings Are: My friend went to a Halloween party in an upscale neighborhood of Minneapolis. His costume was Jared Allen. He grew a fu manchu and wore a mullet wig and a Jared Allen jersey. NOBODY at the party knew what his costume was. The two most common guesses: (1) Chaz Bono (2) A cross-dressing roller derby contestant.
  • Eavestweeting Department: I eavesdropped on the Randballer's Twitter List (twitter.com/randballsstu/randballers) to find my favorite Randballer tweet of the week. This week's winner is AZGopherGirl: "My 3 year old calls that one baseball team the Yuckies. It's true that kids are more perceptive than we give them credit for." Yes, that is very true.
  • Recipe Exchange: (I love food and I love to cook. Each week I could list a favorite recipe. Please feel free to offer your own suggestions. Maybe we could print a cookbook to raise money for the Randball confirmation class to go on a camping trip.) I was at deer camp last weekend, and we always eat roasted duck on Friday nights. I hate roasted duck. Every hunter has a "special" recipe for cooking the gamey taste out of duck. All of these recipes are terrible. The following recipe is the ONLY way I enjoy duck. This secret recipe started in the old country and was passed down through every generation of my family. I only share it with you now because I have grown to trust you:
  • Ingredients:

One 12-pack of beer

1 lb. bacon

1 duck

Directions: Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Bring duck to room temperature. Fry bacon to desired crispness. Eat bacon. Drink beer. Throw duck in garbage. Turn off oven. Go to bed. Serves 1.

So that's it for now. I am open to any suggestions on how to make this thing work. Thanks again to Michael Rand. Skol Vikings.