I'm downtown every day, and there's one thing I rarely see, and another I never see.
Rarely seen: suits. Schlumpy guys in sloppy garb seem the norm now, and you wonder if they regard the act of threading a necktie like some David-Copperfield-level sleight of hand. I tried to learn it from a YouTube video but I got bored after 14 seconds. It's a lot of work, and my hand got tired.
It goes along with the general trend in comportment, alas. I've been to funerals where people wore dingy sneakers. If you're going to wear sneakers everywhere, at least set aside some fresh white Funeral Laces for those special occasions.
Never seen: briefcases. They have vanished from the culture. They have been replaced by backpacks. They're more practical, but lack structure and purpose. There's nothing like swinging that briefcase up on the desk and thumbing the buttons, hearing the clasps clack and pop up with an authoritative salute.
There's a difference between a culture where the men walk according to an internal cadence, keeping the briefcase perfectly aligned with the pavement, and one where we slouch along with the weight of the world on our back.
I say this as someone who is not wearing a tie and brought a backpack to the office. I haven't had a briefcase since fourth grade. I had one in elementary school, which, along with my glasses, was a kick-me indicator that told the bully who to pick on. (I'm looking at you, John L., who managed to beat me up in fifth grade while you were on crutches, an event that had absolutely no formative effect on my life and never, ever pops into my mind when I am at the gym hoisting dumbbells and hissing, "Try that again, why don't you, Jack.")
What I really wanted: the Secret Agent briefcase in the Sears Christmas catalog. It had code books and hidden compartments, and you could make a pistol out of the handle. Just the thing for neutralizing SPECTRE agents who had infiltrated McKinley Elementary.
Briefcases are still made, of course. You can find Chinese-made ones on Amazon, and the reviews are amazing. Actual review title:
"Closes to keep other important documents in it."
Well, that certainly gives it an advantage over briefcases with the hinges welded open so everything takes flight in the wind.
The reviews noted that truckers like briefcases, because they're a good place to keep their logs. (Branches go in the glove compartment.) So this is how it turned out: The briefcase, once the accessory of a Man of Business, striding to his office in the sky where he would bark orders at trembling underlings, is now the sign that someone lives the life of an asphalt nomad, just as the backpack of the student is now the standard bag for a grown-up.
The next twist will be "vintage"-loving youth wearing suitcases strapped to their backs with twine. Or men who stuff their papers in those front-facing baby pouches.
Assuming they come back, does the necktie go on the outside of the pouch, or the inside?
