Ask Amy: Should parents bail out daughter?

Dear Amy: My daughter is 37 and has been married for 15 years. She and her husband have three boys, ages 13, 10 and 3.

She pursued a divorce in the most destructive way possible, by moving a male “friend” (who has three children of his own) into her home. He needed lodging because of his pending divorce. My son-in-law allowed it. Later, when the “friend” moved into an apartment, my daughter moved in with him.

My daughter and son-in-law are now at the point where they need to decide who, if either of them, keeps the house. My daughter wants to buy him out, but she will not be able to do so without financial help from my husband and me.

To keep my grandsons in their home, I am inclined to assist my son-in-law instead of my daughter. I am perfectly willing to help my daughter financially in other ways — with rent on an apartment, for instance.

I’m trying to avoid a battle with my daughter, but she will be upset if we help her soon-to-be ex retain the house, no matter what we may offer to her.

I want what is best for my grandchildren. Do we butt in or stay out of it?

Amy says: You are already quite involved in this split, but in my opinion, you should not offer to finance this house.

Your daughter voluntarily left the home and partnered up with this “friend,” who has children. If she ended up owning the home, she could move this man (and possibly his kids) into it. If you financed the house, you might be tempted to try to control who lives there, embroiling you further in this mess.

You can benefit the grandchildren (without interfering) by always welcoming them into your home as a never-changing and stable safe harbor.

Dear Amy: I married “Bob” five years ago. When we met, he had been raising his two daughters alone for three years.

His former wife has been diagnosed with a mental disorder. Through the three years it took to finalize their divorce, she was arrested for stalking one daughter after defying a restraining order. She was not attempting to physically harm the daughter, but was knowingly going against the court order.

She maintained occasional supervised visitation for a while, but again violated a court order and dropped out of sight. All of this happened before Bob and I met.

My husband’s ex recently reached out to me via private message. She explained that she had been in treatment and, now that she has recovered, she is desperate to see her children. My heart broke, and I would like to help her.

What do you think?

Amy says: My response is a hard “no.” You were not present when this was happening, and you should stay out of it now.

His ex is going through you because she believes you will be more easily manipulated (and she’s right). If she is serious about this, then she should contact the girls’ dad.