Reyer: It'll take two to improve the feedback loop

I have a team member who withdraws and shuts down with even the mildest feedback. He's a good performer, but it's frustrating that he reacts this way when I need to tell him how to do something correctly or want to help him do something better. Is there a better way to handle it?

Look for ways to get feedback through, and also level with him about the effect of avoiding feedback.

The inner game

First of all, settle down, set aside your frustration, and get to a neutral state of mind. It may be helpful to close your eyes and take a few deep breaths so that you're calm as you think about ways to address this situation.

Select an example or two, and think deeply about them, remembering the exchanges including as much verbal and nonverbal information as you can recall. Imagine yourself as an observer, and take note of your style of interaction and his responses. Also recall any interactions he's had with others to determine if his behavior is specific to you or more general.

Then analyze your style. Objectively critique your skills in giving feedback and attuning it to an individual's style. Consider asking for input about your feedback style, perhaps from a co-worker or friend.

Finally, consider your goals, envisioning a better outcome for some recent exchanges. What would you have done differently? What response would you prefer from him? And what are the consequences if nothing changes?

To move forward, you'll need to talk this out with your team member. This may not be easy, since he's likely to be uncomfortable with the conversation. Try using a coaching style to see if that helps him open up.

Start by letting him know that you'd like to have a conversation on this issue, and allow him some input on the timing and setting. You could frame the issue in terms of finding a more mutually agreeable feedback process.

If he questions the need, describe a recent experience that you think could have gone better. If you see this as career-limiting, you should let him know that, too.

Once you're having your conversation, begin by exploring the feedback process. Ask him to describe a recent interaction focusing on his perception of what you were trying to communicate and how he thinks others might view his reactions. Your goal is to come to agreement that the process and outcomes could be improved.

Then move on to possible solutions. You may learn that he dislikes surprise feedback, and can't take it in fully so appears to shut down. If so, define a process that you agree on; for example, you might send a note that you want to give him feedback on his leadership of a recent meeting. He'll have time to prepare and may then be more open.

The last word

Giving and receiving feedback can be challenging, but a shared strategy will help.