Bad news: Emerald ash borer is here. Good news: We have a cure. Bad news: It requires spraying all the trees with swine flu.
OK, that's patently false. But if swine flu could cure the trees, I think we'd run the risk.
The emerald ash borer has hit Minnesota, and it's threatening to slay vast swaths of urban greenery. It's one of those useless killjoy insects nature invents for kicks 'n' grins -- the tiny larvae drill tunnels in the wood as they grow, wrecking the tree's ability to circulate water. Imagine having octuplets who spend all day punching holes in the drywall, and you get the picture.
Of course, nothing in nature is truly useless; I'm sure the EAB evolved to thin the trees so the creatures that fed on the EAB would be easily spotted by pterodactyls and eaten, or some such "Lion-King"-circle-of-life arrangement. Nature doesn't care if the trees die; it'll come up with something else, and fast.
But we care. The state has 900 million ash trees. That's about 175 trees for each of us. The metro is particularly susceptible; one-third of our trees are borer fodder, because that's what they planted after the last stupid bug treated our trees as their Old Country Buffet. In retrospect: not a great idea. Gentlemen, our reliance on a single tree has resulted in catastrophic deforestation. I propose we replace them all with one kind of tree. Motion is seconded and carried!
The EAB was discovered in Wisconsin only months ago, and it already made it up from the border, possibly by hitching a ride on a zebra mussel. We still have time to quarantine and treat, and if it takes genetically engineered bats that flock in the thousands and travel by day, go for it. Our block lost all its grand majestic elms in the last few years, and the spindly saplings they installed in their place still look pathetic. Like restocking the Supreme Court with teenagers.
Suggestion: Plant lots of evergreens. Bugs don't seem to mess with evergreens as much, and they'd make for a lovelier city in the winter. Until nature comes up with beetles that shoot flames when they mate and burn them down. Sigh.
jlileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858 More daily at www.startribune.com/buzz.
