Q: My husband passed away six years ago. We had twins. My boyfriend has two daughters. All the kids are active in sports and go to the same high school. The problem is that after four years of dating and a lot of overnights, my boyfriend's divorce is not final and his ex-wife hates when I am around the kids.
Therefore, I'm not allowed to go to any of his kids' activities, including football games where my son is the star running back and my daughter is a cheerleader. My boyfriend and his ex go, but I have to stay home. I hate being a part-time girlfriend. I've thought of contacting her to discuss our future but I don't know if that's my place. What's good ex-etiquette?
A: Sometimes people write me and I have to take a breath before responding because their situations are so ridiculous. There are so many red flags here you have to literally bob and weave to get out of their way!
Let me summarize what you have told me: You've said, for the last four years you've been dating a man who is separated, not divorced. His wife doesn't like you around their children, so you choose to stay away from watching your own kids' sports activities instead of upsetting her — and now you want to confront her about the future, but you don't know if it's your place.
Nowhere did I read that you expressed remorse or embarrassment at having chosen a new relationship over supporting your kids. Very poor parenting. Very poor ex-etiquette.
In my business I see relationships in all shapes and sizes. In this case, this may not be what most regard as traditional, but these two people are still in a relationship — and I'm not just talking about a co-parenting relationship.
If Dad is doing what Mom requests by "allowing" Mom's demands to control his relationship with you, then she is the most important person in his life. Now, we don't know if he doesn't do what she requests if she will make it difficult for him to see the kids, and if that is the case, then their relationship is even more unhealthy than it first appears.
Bottom line, he's got the emotional connection with her and the physical connection with you. That is the epitome of his "cake and eat it, too."
Of greatest concern is what this is saying to the children. These kids are teenagers and most likely starting to date. The actions of the adults in their lives suggests that when you can't get along with someone to whom you're formally committed, don't take the necessary steps to fix things, just move out and date someone else.
Marriage means nothing, commitment means nothing — and you've openly chosen a boyfriend and the desires of his wife over your children — for four years! That's breaking the primary rule of good ex-etiquette for parents, "Put the children first."
If you would like to set a different example, remove yourself from the situation and demand something better — for yourself and for your children.
Jann Blackstone is the founder of bonusfamilies.com.
