Each week, commenter Clarence Swamptown delights you with his strange brand of unconventional wisdom every week. This week, he devotes a lot of time to Jerry Burns and swearing. As usual, the opinions and words used by Clarence do not necessarily reflect those of the Star Tribune or RandBall. Clarence?


Per Clarence: My kids know this guy, but not Mick Jagger? I am the world’s greatest monster

Per Clarence: My kids know this guy, but not Mick Jagger? I am the world’s greatest monster

I have 3 young children, and each of them love this new Moves Like Jagger song by Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera. They sing it in the car. They dance to the video. I tolerate the song because it keeps them relatively well-behaved for a short period of time, but recently the oldest child asked the following:

Kid: Daddy, what’s a Jagger?
Me: It’s Mick Jagger, honey.
Kid: Blank stare.
Me: The Stones. You know, Mick Jagger. Old guy. Big lips. Dances like this. (Puts hands on hips. Shimmies. Pouts. Spins.)
Kid: Embarrassed blank stare.
Me: The Rolling Stones?
Kid: Walks away.
My stomach dropped. Somehow my children had become well-versed in Maroon {redacted} 5 and Christina {redacted} Aguilera, but they had never heard of the Rolling {redacted} Stones. I should have turned myself in to Goodhue County Social Services. I immediately scanned my iPod, blasted Gimme Shelter, and hoped they got the message.
The Minnesota Vikings’ 1998 season ushered in a large wave of young new fans, baptized in Vikings disappointment by Gary Anderson.  The arrival of Adrian Peterson in 2007 fostered a second youthful wave, baptized in disappointment by 12-men in the huddle. These two groups are familiar with frustration and discontent, but relatively speaking, they still shine with an exuberant and naïve Vikings positivity that hasn’t yet been crushed by decades of failure. Their purple souls do not know Super Bowl losses or Herschel Walker trades. They do not know Drew Pearson or Darrin Nelson. Maybe it’s better this way.
That said, these new fan bases do have knowledge gaps that need to be filled in. A recent conversation with a young co-worker exposed a giant gaping hole of knowledge when I mentioned Jerry Burns infamous post-game tirade in 1989. [Note: There are a ton of really bad swear words on that link. Like a film reviewer suggesting you see Pulp Fiction, we can only warn you].
Me: We had a {redacted} trap play called and his {redacted} shoe comes off.
Him: Um, what?
Me:  Jerry Burns.
Him: He was a coach, right? What about him?
Me: You’ve never heard the Jerry Burns rant?
Him: No.
Me: Blank stare.
It’s hard to believe, but apparently there is an entire new crop of Vikings fans that are not familiar with Jerry Burns’ legendary post-game outburst. Somehow they do not know quotes like, “THEY PUT HIS PICTURE UP THERE AND THE {REDACTEDS} BOO HIM.” Friends, this injustice cannot stand.
I do not know who is at fault for this oversight. Coors Light used footage of post-game rants from former NFL coaches for a recent advertising campaign, but none of those rants can hold a candle to Jerry Burns’ rant, so maybe they share some of the blame. Or perhaps veteran Vikings fans like myself are responsible for letting the rant collect dust. Either way, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that we make new fans aware of this fundamental building block of Minnesota Vikings history. If you are a new Vikings fan and have never seen this video before, study it. If you are a salty ol’ vet like me, re-familiarize yourself with its brilliance.
When I was in high school I mowed grass at a local municipal golf course and got to see Coach Burns tee off from the 12th tee box. He shanked it left and immediately let out a loud “{REDACTED}!” It was one of the greatest moments of my life. What I am saying is brace yourself, any video with Jerry Burns has a lot of swearing. But it’s the swearing that makes it great. [Proprietor note: Apparently Jerry Kill is trying to re-kindle that tradition].

That’s it for this week. No Outstate Bars or Diners. No Country and Western Songs. The Jerry Burns video demands your full attention. If you really need something to argue about in the comments, try disputing the fact that the Rolling Stones are better than the Beatles. You can’t.