Longtime readers will remember a weekly feature called “Clearance Clarence,” during which we (nervously) turned over the keys to commenter and Twitter pot-stirrer Clarence Swamptown for his hilarious rants. Clarence had to retire from weekly duty a while back, but the lure of controversy brought him back for a special guest post this week. Remember, as always, to take these posts with the requisite amount of humor/salt. Clarence?
It is universally understood that Aaron Rodgers is sensitive about his height. This isn't front page news. In 2012, Lil' Aaron Kardashian was the star of a 60 Minutes interview feature. This nearly 47-year old television news program is an American institution; they have interviewed everyone who is anyone, from sitting presidents to Malcolm X, from Salvador Dali to the Ayatollah Khomeini. Any right-minded person would be proud to appear. But Napoleon Bona-rodgers wasn't happy. Instead, he was upset that 60 Minutes focused too much on his diminutive 6-foot 2-inch stature, and not enough on other aspects of his life.
This begged the question, If Aaron Seacrest is willing to take on a media titan like 60 Minutes, exactly how far might he go to mask his Lilliputian shame? In September 2012, in a RandBall exclusive exposé, we answered that question. Our scathing report revolved around these simple facts:
- In 2012, Graham Harrell was the Green Bay Packers backup quarterback.
- In college at Texas Tech, Graham Harrell was listed as 6'3" tall.
- On the Packers website, Graham Harrell is magically listed as 6'2" tall, the exact same height as Aaron Wahlberg.
As you probably remember, that divisive blog post was the most important piece of investigative sports journalism this century, and probably ever. It blew the roof off the league. Counter-allegations were lobbed, press conferences were held and talking heads chewed on the salacious red meat until it was ground into a fine paste. But in this 24-hour news cycle modern-day universe, the story eventually went away and we all went on with our lives.
Fast forward to March 2015. Backup quarterback Scott Tolzien is returning to the Green Bay Packers on a 1-year contract. Obviously Aaron DeVito's insecurities won't allow the Packers to extend Tolzien beyond 1-year, but what else is he up to? With Graham Harrell long gone and last season's backup quarterback Matt Flynn finally run out of town, what behind-the-scenes shenanigans is Rodgerspulling on his new backup QB? Well, it appears he is up to his old tricks. Consider:
- At the University of Wisconsin, Scott Tolzien was listed at 6'3" tall.
- On the Packers website, Scott Tolzien is currently listed at… you guessed it: 6'2" tall.
Friends, I offer these facts not to persecute Lil' A. His psychological anxieties bring me no joy, and his deceptions might be funny if they weren't so tragic. I simply ask this.
When will ROGER GOODELL, the LEAGUE and its legions of willing and complicit MEDIA stoolies finally call our their tiny precious darling for his tired website antics? (Editor’s note: Harrell and Tolzien were both listed at 6-2 on their scouting combine pages, so … PUT ME DOWN, CLARENCE. PUT ME DOWN).
When will his TEAMMATES and COACHES finally say enough is enough? Only time will tell, friends. In this Packers increasingly lost offseason, only time will tell.