Ask Amy: Turn off Facebook boor

Dear Amy: My husband and I are retired. We have a good life in a city that we moved to about seven years ago. We've been able to make lots of new friends. I'm so pleased by the variety of people in our friend group.

What I'm not pleased about is that one of my dearest women friends, "Meg," has a husband, "Mike," who seems to insert himself into situations where I would prefer that he not be.

Mike spends a lot of time on Facebook, and he seems to be "friends" with everybody in our social circle, which is pretty large. The problem is that he has no filters. He comments on everything, often is inappropriate, and sometimes is vulgar.

I think he thrives on being the center of attention. I really don't believe there is a mean bone in his body, but there are days when just seeing his name on Facebook makes me want to shut off my phone.

Meg and I are close enough that we have talked a lot about our marriages, and we both agree that our spouses have their good and their bad points. She knows that Mike can be a nuisance.

There is at least one other woman in our social community who had similar feelings about Mike. She told Meg how she felt, and I'm pretty certain it has damaged their own long-term relationship.

Do you have any advice for me? I don't know if I have the patience to put up with Mike for the long run.

Mike is his own person. Meg is not in charge of him. So why did your other friend report her feelings about the man to Meg instead of responding to him directly? Don't make the same mistake.

Respond to Mike when you're in his presence, but continue to develop your friendship with Meg in his absence.

Dear Amy: I'd like to pass along some recommendations for people who are ill and burdened by the well-meaning but often clunky reactions from other people.

When my husband was diagnosed with Stage IV prostate cancer seven years ago, he wanted some control of normalcy in his life. He created a number of boundaries so he could live his life as fully as possible in a normal way:

One: You can ask me about my cancer on Monday, and only Monday.

Three: For the well-meaning people with so many solutions pushing herbal remedies, we said that we had found out (which we had) that the interactions of herbs, etc., could affect his medical care, so thanks, but we can't use all ideas.

It took a while, but conversations from well-intentioned people settled back to "normal," except on Mondays, when my husband was prepared to face dialogues.

Amy says: These recommendations are so smart.

Every person facing serious illness and extended treatment deserves a safe space where they can be who they want to be — and how they want to be. Your husband was proactive in creating boundaries for himself, but boundaries also can be created and maintained by caregivers.

I'm sure these guidelines will be adopted by many people. Thank you so much for passing them along.