Ask Amy: 'Technical' marriage raises questions

Dear Amy: I recently reached out to my estranged father. When asked if he was still married, his response was, "Theoretically yes, but I haven't had contact with her for over six years, and have no intention of renewing contact."

Knowing my father, I am unsurprised that he is currently married to someone that he has no contact with and is unwilling to divorce. However, I am mad at him for once again treating marriage as a trivial affair. I pity his partner and sometimes wonder if I should convince her to divorce him and take her fair share.

While I understand that this is between him and his "technical wife" (using his terms), I feel like this is a matter that does involve me from a legal perspective. Twenty years down the line, I do not want to fight a legal battle regarding powers of attorney or probates. (I am an only child.)

I have located the woman through Facebook. At the very least, I want to hear her side of the story. Is this something that does not concern me and would cause more distress for everyone? Or is this something I should pursue to find some kind of conclusion?

Amy says: Other than your own curiosity, I'm not sure why you are motivated to contact your father's estranged wife. Doing so would entangle you in a situation between a stranger (the wife) and an unreliable person you don't seem to know well (your father).

You should research the inheritance laws of the state where your father resides and try to head off problems by encouraging him to focus on some estate planning. Given how avoidant he is, he might duck and weave; you should take this in discreet stages, not confronting him with a possibly overwhelming bundle of issues all at once.

Based on the answers he provides and how he behaves, you can then decide whether to contact your father's "technical" wife in order to clarify their emotional and legal status.

It would be cheaper to do it online, but if I lived on campus I could get my own apartment. I believe my mental health would improve, because my parents drive me crazy.

However, I probably won't be able to afford to go on vacations because my financial aid will go mostly to room and board. What should I do?

Amy says: Why are you worrying about vacations? (And yes, your financial aid must go toward your educational expenses, not vacations.)

Vacations are excursions that parents take their children on, or experiences that hard-working people save for and look forward to. You're grown, now, and the "vacation" phase of your life is in the past — and the future.

So yes, you should invest in living on or near campus as you move into this exciting new phase of life. In addition to your financial aid, you should leap at any opportunities to serve as a TA for an undergraduate course, or work on-campus at a lab or the library.

Once you've earned your degree and started working in your profession, taking vacations will become possible — and important — again.