Ask Amy: Parents on fence over adultery

Dear Amy: My daughter and her husband have been together for 15 years. We love her husband, “Danny,” and consider him like a son.

They have a 1-year-old child. Danny’s job is challenging and involves a lot of travel. Our daughter is taking a break from her career to be home with their son.

Last weekend our daughter told us that Danny has cheated on her. She is devastated, and so are we. We are so disappointed in him and feel completely deceived by him.

Our daughter told us that she and Danny are trying to work things out. She says they intend to stay together and that she absolutely wants to stay married to him.

We worry about her self-esteem and think it’s not a good idea for her to stay married to someone who has been unfaithful to her. My wife and I want her to call a lawyer, but we are torn about sharing our opinion with her.

What do you think?

Amy says: If your daughter asks for your advice, you should be honest with her. Otherwise, keep your opinion to yourself. If you do end up sharing your view, you also should say that you understand this is complicated, that it is her marriage and that you will be in her corner, no matter what.

Dear Amy: I am from Europe and have lived in Los Angeles for more than 55 years — so naturally, I consider L.A. my home. Often when I’m introduced to people, I’ll say that I’m from L.A.

A woman recently responded to this by saying, “You don’t have an L.A. accent.” Just as it is rude to comment on someone’s weight, shape or appearance, I would think it’s inappropriate to comment on someone’s accent and how they speak/sound.

I don’t feel it’s necessary to divulge the country where I spent my childhood. Furthermore, I don’t want to respond to queries of this nature at all. Is a response even necessary when it was not really a question, but merely a statement?

Amy says: I’d start by asking the woman what a Los Angeles accent sounds like. Is it the up-talking popularized by “Valley girls” in the ‘80s? The Kardashians’ low-throated vocal fry? The Spanish-inflected accent of some of the almost 50% of the Los Angeles population who are Hispanic?

My point is that in a cosmopolitan melting pot like your home city, many accents qualify as being “totally L.A.”

The kinder assumption is that someone asking about your accent is looking for a way to connect. They may believe that they share a similar background. Or they’re trying (in a clunky way) to start a conversation.

If this is posed as a question, you can respond: “I’ve lived in Los Angeles for over half a century.” If this is posed as a statement (“You don’t have an L.A. accent”), you can respond by deflecting and asking where they grew up.

Or you can say, “Hmmm. How about that?”