Ask Amy: Parents differ on hosting boyfriend

Dear Amy: My wife and I have a difference of opinion regarding our 20-year-old daughter. We would love your perspective.

Our daughter is a sophomore at a university in Europe, and has recently started dating another sophomore. When she comes home for the summer, he plans to visit.

In conversations with my wife, I have indicated that I will expect him to sleep in our guest bedroom and for our daughter to sleep in her room. My wife makes the case that they are practically living together in college. While I acknowledge this, I feel uncomfortable with explicitly allowing them to sleep together in our home.

It just doesn’t seem right to me. Am I getting hung up by my puritanical attitudes toward sex, or is there some legitimacy to my desire to have them sleep in separate rooms?

Amy says: Yes, your reaction might be a puritanical thing. But mainly it’s a dad thing.

This is about dads and daughters, and the ancient and protective dynamic between them that seems to override logic. I have not noticed this particular dynamic between mothers and their daughters (mothers and sons have their own unique issues).

You know that your daughter and her boyfriend have sex, but as long as this happens elsewhere, you’d rather not think about it. Also, unless you’ve met this guy before, he is essentially a stranger to you. Letting a stranger sleep with your daughter in your own home violates your innate bond to protect her.

Understand, however, that this couple likely will sleep together anyway, unless you intend to police the hallway at night. You might compromise by offering the couple two rooms — one room might be a place to keep his things and bunk down (if he wants to) while he is visiting. You could then leave the rest up to them, without dictating specific terms.

Look at this as your opportunity to begin the process of letting go. It is a tough but necessary developmental step.

Dear Amy: I am a single man in my mid-40′s. During the pandemic, I started talking with a woman online. We texted a lot and called one another often. We also video chatted.

Our relationship waned after the pandemic ended, but recently she got back in touch with me. We finally agreed that it was time to meet in person. We agreed on the place and time to meet halfway between our homes.

The morning of our meeting, I got a text from her saying that she was having to go into the hospital for tests. I was very concerned and asked if she was all right and if there was anything she needed from me. She said no.

What do you think?

Amy says: If she is ill and doesn’t want to see you, you have to respect her decision. However, I think there is also a possibility that her illness is a fiction that she is using as a reason to sever ties with you.

Generally, it is wisest to meet in person soon after you feel a connection online. I understand that you couldn’t do this during the pandemic. But for future reference, it helps to test whether both parties really want personal involvement.