Ask Amy: Mom wonders about son’s love life

Dear Amy: Our 30-year-old son, “Thomas,” has a great job, is well-adjusted and has many friends. He is outgoing and goes out with groups of friends, some of whom are married. He is not dating anyone and hasn’t since high school.

Thomas and I have a close relationship and talk about almost any topic, except his lack of dating or of having a special someone in his life. I want to ask him about this, but I don’t want to put him on the spot talking about this with his mother.

My husband is not a very good communicator, and I think if he asked our son this question, it would be an awkward conversation for both of them.

My husband and I joke to him that we need some grandchildren soon (he is our only child), and we all laugh it off without any real responses.

If Thomas is happy not being in a relationship or dating, that is fine because he seems very happy with everything else in life. But it seems odd to me that he and I can talk about most other things, and yet I never bring this topic up to him.

Should I bring up this topic to him (and how should I phrase it), or should I let our overall good relationship continue the way it is?

Amy says: You say that if Thomas is happy and well-adjusted without having a special someone in his life, you’d be fine with that. According to you, he is happy and well-adjusted. And now it is time for you to be fine with that.

He is gay and choosing to keep this from you.

He is dating lots of people (women, men, or both), but not telling you about it because he fears you’ll start advocating for marriage.

He’s asexual and/or not interested in partnering up and is moving through this stage of his life happily on his own.

Or he’s out there looking, but he doesn’t want to discuss it with his parents and has lots of other people to discuss his romantic life with.

I think the way to open up this topic (and also lay it to rest) would be for you to say to him, “I’m sorry for those times we’ve bugged you about having grandchildren. I hope that hasn’t made you too uncomfortable. I also hope that if you ever have a special someone in your life, you’ll let us know.”

After talking by phone, texting and going out for dinner (where we both seemed to have a great time), out of a clear blue sky, Frank said, “It’s going on three years since your husband died.” What does this mean? Is he saying it’s time to move ahead in this relationship, or is he maybe saying that it’s time to stop seeing each other?

I’d appreciate your direction.

Amy says: Call Frank and ask him to join you for a cup of coffee and going for a walk in the park. (That’s what worked for me the last time I asked a man out.)

This may seem like a terrifying thing to do, but if you’re ready to get back out there, a little bravery is called for. I hope you’ll follow up.