Ask Amy: Missing cat takes toll on friendship

Dear Amy: My friend’s cat has been missing for two weeks. I have been supportive in helping her try to find the cat. I also feel her pain. But since losing a cat 30 years ago, I always have kept my cats indoors.

My friend lives in a rustic area with lots of wildlife, including coyotes, mountain lions, owls and other predators. One of her two cats was injured when it was caught in a rabbit snare and now is kept inside. But the other one is still allowed outside.

I’m having a hard time with this. I know it’s her cat, but I can’t stand the thought of another one going missing because of what I consider to be thoughtless behavior.

I’m feeling very judgmental/angry and may not want to stay friends with her. I can’t decide if I should sit by to not judge, or should I bail on the friendship?

Amy says: There are many credible reports showing that allowing a cat to roam outdoors significantly shortens its lifespan.

This is from the ASPCA (aspca.org): “Outdoor cats are at risk of trauma from cars, or from fights with other cats, raccoons and free-roaming dogs. Coyotes are known to eat cats. Outdoor cats are more likely to become infested with fleas or ticks, as well as contract infectious diseases.”

Your friend is ignoring this commonsense advice, and her cats are paying the price.

Once there is some resolution to this, you should tell her that you find it upsetting that she allows her cats to freely roam outside, given the many risks they face. And yes, depending on how she responds to you and her animals, this would be a tough thing to get beyond.

Dear Amy: My husband and I have an adult daughter who currently lives at home. She has been dating “Tony” ever since they met in college. They’ve been together for almost six years.

We’ve welcomed Tony into our family with open arms, spending many holidays and weeks in the summer together. He and my husband have developed a really nice, close relationship. Tony and our daughter seem like a really great couple and have been talking about moving in together. We’re honestly thrilled.

Two weeks ago, Tony lowered the boom. He confessed that he had cheated on our daughter. He begged for her forgiveness. After a dramatic few days, she agreed to stay with him, and then he broke up with her!

I feel deceived by his dishonesty, and I’m so incredibly disappointed in his lack of integrity. I’m having a hard time reining in my emotions. When I expressed some of these feelings to our daughter, she got mad at me.

Amy says: You should react to this by keeping your feelings — and your thoughts — to yourself. Your daughter’s emotional bandwidth is stretched thin. Your honest reaction might cause her to actually feel defensive about Tony.

You should concentrate on your daughter — not Tony — and react only to her. If she wants comfort, give her that. If she wants to vent, let her do that without piling on. Assure her that she can recover from this, and that you and her dad are in her corner..