Dear Amy: I married my high school sweetheart. We've been together for 50 years.
My husband has a serious drinking problem which I have tolerated for decades. He has called me nasty and vulgar names, and now does nothing but watch TV and drink. When my father died last year, he didn't offer an ounce of compassion. Instead he made a cruel remark that still hurts.
We are both retired. I would like to travel while I am able, but he has no desire to go anywhere. I believe that I deserve to be happy. I'd rather finish my time on earth happy and single than miserably married.
Should I divorce him and finish my life doing what I enjoy? Or should I follow the advice of friends who have said, "Why bother leaving him after so many years?"
Amy says: If your life is miserable, change it. After years of enabling and covering for your husband, it is time for you to take care of yourself.
You've been seeking advice from various constituencies, but you don't mention seeing a lawyer. There are many practical and legal considerations you should educate yourself about. You also should plan a trip — and take it. Sign up with a tour group or go with friends. Being away from your home environment and on your own will bring an important perspective to your options and the choices you must make.
Attending Al-anon meetings (Al-anon.org) would help you to understand some of your own behavior and put you in proximity with others who are coping with a loved one's alcohol abuse.
Day-care dilemma
Dear Amy: My wife and I have a 14-month-old baby. We have been looking into day care. We checked out some places, and all had plusses and minuses. The one we thought might be the best for us is very close to my wife's office, so it would be convenient to have our baby there.
We made an appointment and went over to tour the place. It was clean and organized. There were about 10 babies in the room for our child's age group. Three of the babies were crying, and the caregivers were interacting with each other and did not respond to the babies.
We asked the director about this, and she said that as a rule they don't always respond to babies who cry because letting them cry "teaches them resilience." Is this true? Should we feel comfortable leaving our child there?
Amy says: Does ignoring babies when they cry teach them resilience? No. Mainly, neglect makes babies anxious. And so they cry more.
Keep looking. Look for human warmth, a "pop in anytime" policy, and (if this appeals to you) cameras that allow you to monitor what's going on. Check online reviews, talk to people, and check out their social media presence. And remember, it's called day care, not don't care.
Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.
