Ask Amy: Lack of trust undermines marriage

Dear Amy: I am in a five-year marriage that I feel is more like a roommate situation. We hardly ever do things together. Our sexual relationship is almost nonexistent (I'm just not interested in being intimate with him anymore).

He has cheated a few times. I cheated once, and that was to get back at him. I know two wrongs don't make a right, but since the infidelity, I often find myself not trusting him.

I'm torn up deciding what to do about this relationship. I feel as if we're growing apart. I care about him, but I'm not in love with him like I used to be.

I'm tired of arguing with him every day and want some peace and happiness in my life. I know therapy is what most people would suggest, but I already know what therapists are going to say, so why bother?

I feel that it's time to call things off (he sort of agrees), but I can't seem to leave. The fear of being alone keeps me here.

I wonder what to do.

Amy says: You say you and your husband are roommates, but many roommates have more honest relationships than you two seem to have, because, if they're friends, roommates tell each other their stories.

But keep in mind that a therapist also can help you to break up peacefully.

You seem to be mainly reactive — responding to your husband's infidelity by revenge-cheating, and reacting to your uncertainty and lack of trust by keeping him at arm's length.

You and your husband should have an honest conversation, starting with these questions: Do we want to stay together? If so, how are we going to change in order to be together?

If you do want to stay together, then you both need to commit wholeheartedly to complete emotional and material transparency.

Fear of being alone is the worst reason to stay in a marriage.

I am questioned incessantly by apparently well-meaning people about what I do all day, as if enjoying my leisure is a crime. In fact, I am researching my genealogy, reading, investing, catching up on long-neglected relationships and enjoying the life I worked 40 years to afford.

I realize that I don't need to explain myself to anyone, but apparently some justification is expected. Do you have you any insights on how to approach these invasive comments?

Amy says: It's possible that people asking you how you spend your time are not accusing you of the crime of enjoying your leisure (how dare you!), but are genuinely curious.

The kindest response is to assume they are being genuine. You can say, "After retirement, I'm exploring all of those things that have fascinated me, but which I never had time for. Honestly, I enjoy every day."

If you discern that people are searching for a path to denigrate you, you could add: " ... and I play a lot of mini golf and eat ice cream for dinner. Basically, I'm Ferris Bueller, and every day is a day off."