Ask Amy: In-law drama is intimidating

Dear Amy: My daughter-in-law's mother, "Penny," was cheating on her husband right before he died. Penny moved her boyfriend into the family home three weeks after her husband's funeral.

My daughter-in-law and my son recently had a baby that they will not allow to go to Penny's home because they do not want the child around this man. Unfortunately, my daughter-in-law is not aware that Penny has married him.

My dilemma is: Now that I know this, should I share it with my daughter-in-law?

Penny has added this man to the title deed of the family home. He has two grown children of his own, and one is an addict who has stolen from Penny.

I am concerned that withholding this information from my daughter-in-law eventually will cause a giant rift with her and, therefore, my son.

Do I tell?

Amy says: Yes, you should pass this along, but you should completely detach from the inherent drama. And be sure to draw a firm line between gossip and facts that can be confirmed. For instance, do you know for sure that one of his kids has stolen from Penny?

You can say, "As you know, Penny and I are neighbors, and I want you to know that there is some neighborhood scuttlebutt concerning her. I feel very uncomfortable both holding onto this and also passing it along, but because it has to do with your mother, I want for you to decide whether you want to hear it from me. I don't even know if it is true, but if I were you, I think I would want to hear it."

Your DIL may say, "I'm not interested." If so, respect her choice. If she says she wants to hear it, tell her about the marriage. Her mother's remarriage has legal and financial ramifications that could affect the family.

I would not repeat the other family-related gossip. I hope you will encourage your daughter-in-law to keep in closer touch with her mother.

Dear Amy: I have a suggestion for people who have conflicts around this time of year.

I have two grown children, both of whom are in committed relationships. That means two sets of in-laws who have their own holiday traditions.

The first time we tried this, I had my doubts. But to my surprise, when the real Christmas Day arrived, my husband and I were quite satisfied and didn't need any more holiday stimulation.

Amy says: I love this idea. I hope you have a cozy Christmas this year.