Ask Amy: Grandparents treated like toddlers, act like teens

Dear Amy: My husband and I have a family member living with us who is fighting cancer.

My (adult) daughter volunteered to stay with my parents during the pandemic, since she's able to telework. She is now at her wits' end.

My parents are sneaking out while she is out of their sight for more than 10 minutes.

She said it's like she's a mom to two teenagers. We all believe that their behavior could prove deadly.

They're in their 70s and healthy. We don't think they should stay with us because of the health of our other family member.

They say they're being safe, but then admit to running into old friends and standing around chatting.

My daughter tried to take the car keys, but they invited HER to leave! (Of course, she won't do that.)

Should I leave my sick one at home in order to watch over two healthy parents? Your suggestions?

Amy says: My suggestion is that your daughter should get tested, and if she tests negative for the virus, she should leave her grandparents' household, leaving their car keys behind.

You don't mention that your parents are needy or impaired (other than their judgment), so I'm assuming that they simply have minimal regard for their health or the health of others.

As the nation faces a dramatic surge of the virus, surely they know by now that if either one of them gets sick, they put all of their contacts at great risk, and that their hospital stay will be a very lonely one.

You and your daughter should make sure that they have all of the basic knowledge and tools for cutting down their risk: hand-washing and sanitizer in the car and at home, masks up when they enter a building or encounter anyone, and maintaining appropriate distance when they are visiting with others.

When I visit my father, he will ask me if I have heard anything from my brother. My father expects me to say something to my brother about paying him back, but I don't want to be the middleman.

My brother has also put me in a tough spot. He doesn't want me to tell my father about his health problems, which he says is the reason he and his wife haven't paid Dad back.

I've asked my brother to please talk to Dad. They are both very stubborn.

I know my father will be upset with me for not telling him about my brother's health. What should I do?

Amy says: In theory, I completely agree with your stance, but you are also stubbornly sticking to your guns, when you might be able to offer a pathway out.

The next time you are with your dad, call your brother from your phone, and after he answers, hand it to your dad, saying, "Here. You two need to catch up."