Ask Amy: Grandma crafts herself into a corner

Dear Amy: My son’s ex-wife, “Tammy,” recently had a baby with her new husband. She also has two children with my son.

I recently made slippers for my grandsons and sent the slippers to them. I told my son about it, and now he’s asking me to make a pair of slippers for the baby. I don’t think I need to because that baby is not my grandchild.

Should I go along with this, or is there a nice way to say that the child means nothing to me.

Amy says: I’ve called an imaginary conclave among all of the sages whose wisdom I trust the most, and all agree that your attitude about this baby is exclusionary and unkind. This child is the sibling of your grandchildren. Your grandchildren must be encouraged and allowed to accept and love this child. That is best for everyone.

Your son is encouraging you to accept this baby as the sibling of your beloved grandchildren. Good for him. Acceptance on your part makes your son’s life easier and more peaceful.

You holding on to an angry attitude toward your son’s ex-wife leads to you passively punishing your grandchildren. You should work hard to maintain a neutral attitude toward her and a loving attitude toward all of the children.

Dear Amy: My husband and I have temporary custody of our 10-year-old granddaughter “Sophie” because her mother (our daughter) is in court-ordered rehab for drug addiction. Our granddaughter’s father is not in the picture.

An aunt gave Sophie the first Harry Potter book, and she has really been enjoying it. During a call with her mother, Sophie related her excitement about the book. Her mother contacted us and raised a lot of objections to the book. Her points were all over the place, but she acted offended and asked us to take the book away and choose “more appropriate” material for her daughter to read.

We don’t agree with her reasoning, but we want to respect her interest in this, and we want to keep the communication open. So, we’re not sure how to respond. Should we give in?

Amy says: I think you should respond calmly and honestly. Don’t let this become “a thing.” Assure your daughter that you will read the book with her concerns in mind, and that while Sophie is with you, you’ll be mindful of her mother’s concerns, but that because she is living with you, you will be the primary people to make these types of decisions.

Encourage her to stick with her program. Being in recovery is the best parenting choice she could possibly make.