Dear Amy: During the height of the pandemic, each of my (divorced) parents died suddenly, two months apart. As a result, I was left with two difficult estates to wade through.
Even though my childhood girlfriend is well aware that I have no help from siblings or immediate family, she still has not offered assistance. I feel very hurt that she believes that "praying for me" is enough.
In my time of need, shouldn't she be expected to do something practical?
Amy says: This is such a tough situation, and I'm so sorry you are experiencing it. Yes, good friends should have a reasonable expectation of assistance when times are tough. And yes, good friends sometimes let each other down.
However, you don't mention actually asking for help. If there is a task you believe your friend might be well suited for — delivering items to the donation center, for instance — ask her.
Unless people have personally faced this sort of challenge themselves, they don't have any idea of how physically exhausting and upsetting it is to clear out parents' homes.
If you are simply overwhelmed by the enormity of the entire task, you could ask your friend: "Can you come over to my mom's house for a few hours on Saturday and keep me company while I sort through some of her things? I'm really struggling and could use a hand. I'll bring the doughnuts."
Can gap be closed?
Dear Amy: I have always had a tumultuous relationship with my mom.
In May, we had a disagreement that led me to realize that she will never love me the way that I need her to, and I'm tired of chasing after it. As a result, I cut off contact and haven't heard from her since ... until this week.
She left a voice mail asking me to contact her to let her know how I am. I'm not sure how to respond, or if I even should respond.
Our family has a history of not talking about elephants in the room, not apologizing and not acknowledging hurt and pain. I know I need to be OK with that. I might never get an explanation or apology for our misunderstanding (or for the lack of emotional support throughout my life).
If I want to let her back into my life, I need to stop expecting a normal, loving parent-child relationship. I'm just not sure if I'm ready to do that, and I can't trust myself not to get sucked into the emotional black hole that is our relationship.
How do I move forward? Do I let her back into my life? Do I cut contact forever?
Amy says: First off, I'd love to learn what a "normal, loving, parent-child relationship" is. My parents were not like the ones I saw on television, or those of some of my friends, who I now realize were very far from perfect.
Still, you have the right to pursue the relationships you want to have.
Your silence has worked, and now your mother is reaching out. You should call her back and tell her how you're doing. Ask how she's doing. You could nudge her toward a more open relationship by speaking your own truth: "Mom, I'd really like to have a better relationship with you, but I'm not sure how to do that."
You can avoid the emotional black hole by always checking in with yourself and being honest in your statements: "That makes me uncomfortable." "This isn't going well for me." "I'd like to address some issues from our past." "I need to take a break."
Send questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com.
