Ask Amy: Daughter’s alcoholism frightens mother

Dear Amy: I have a 49-year-old daughter who became an alcoholic during the pandemic. She has a career as an elementary school teacher, a beautiful home and a partner of nine years. I’m afraid that she will lose it all because of her drinking.

She won’t go to AA, and I have suggested inpatient rehab, to no avail. It is breaking my heart.

Her father died from cirrhosis of the liver because of alcoholism at 57, and I’m scared I will lose her, too. Do you have any suggestions besides Al-Anon?

Amy says: Your daughter is aware of the worst-case outcome if her addiction spirals and if she is unable to attain and maintain sobriety. She has felt the consequences and the loss from end-stage alcoholism.

Aside from therapy and Al-Anon (or another “friends and family” support program), my suggestion is to love your daughter through this. Maintain frequent contact, spend time together and maintain your relationship as well as you can.

Offer her a judgment-neutral safe harbor so she won’t become isolated, and encourage her to seek treatment without letting her alcoholism become her primary identity in your relationship.

Those are some things you can do for her. For your own sake, you should maintain some boundaries. Don’t serve alcohol to her in your home. Don’t make excuses for her. Don’t let her alcoholism run your life.

Dear Amy: My husband is a wonderful man. We’ve been married more than 40 years. He has children in their 50s from a previous marriage, and we all get along great.

His two daughters are quite overweight. He wants to say something to them and perhaps incentivize them to lose weight by offering to pay for any remedies to get their weight-loss process going.

I think he’s making a mistake to bring up weight to his girls. But he says he’s their father, and he needs to approach them for their health’s sake. What do you think?

Amy says: My standard reaction to this sort of question is: Does your husband imagine that his adult daughters don’t know that they are overweight?

We are surrounded by images of thinness and the shame of fatness. Weight loss remedies and now drugs are in the news every day. And yet an estimated 72% of Americans over 20 are overweight or obese.

This is a tough topic to bring up, but if your husband can do so in a loving, supportive and nonjudgmental way, he could try. Perhaps he could rehearse a conversation with you.

Dear Amy: Recent letter writers insisted that their daughter had to get A’s and B’s in college. I think you were off base in calling this rule “dumb.”

College is ridiculously expensive. We told our daughters: “If I am getting out of bed every morning to earn money to pay your tuition, you are getting out of bed to go to class and get at least a B. Or you will foot that bill.”

College isn’t for everyone. After a year, if the child/adult isn’t sure she can get good grades, she should be examining other life choices and education.

These parents are not dumb or wrong, but trying to raise a responsible person.