Ask Amy: Couple need wedding help

Dear Amy: My partner and I are planning a very small wedding on a low budget.

The caterer is delivering dinner to our venue in the form of buffet-style trays. My plan was to have everyone serve themselves. But my future mother-in-law, citing concerns about COVID, strongly feels that we should have someone standing behind the food to serve people.

In principle, I agree with her concerns, as well as that of apportioning food fairly. The problem is that we can’t afford to hire staffing. In short, I see a good idea with no clear way to execute it.

Our guest list is 25 people, with half of those being our immediate family. A few loved ones have volunteered to help with whatever we need, but I don’t want to assign anyone the task of feeding everyone else.

What do you think we should do?

Amy says: I agree with your future mother-in-law that it is a good idea to have someone on the other side of the buffet line, helping to serve and perhaps removing the serving dishes and putting out the cake afterward.

I’m not sure how having help fits into the concerns about COVID, but overall, having even one extra pair of hands would be extremely useful.

It sounds as if you have a helpful and hands-on family and friend group. You also could accept their help, perhaps in shifts. This is a communal celebration meal, and for many people, helping to serve would be an honor.

My last suggestion might seem odd, but perhaps you and your new spouse should serve your guests yourselves. This might be a nice symbolic gesture, where the first “official” act of your life together as a married couple would be to serve those people who have gathered to celebrate your marriage.

I hope you will be able to relax, laugh and genuinely feel joyful during your wedding and reception.

Dear Amy: My husband and I have two grown children. I have always thought we were “meant to be.” We have lots of mutual interests; we laugh, we talk when there is a problem, and we don’t keep secrets.

A few days ago, I came back quickly from an errand. I went to tell him I was home, and found him looking at porn on his computer. I was shocked and extremely hurt. It felt like he was being unfaithful — sexually and mentally.

I haven’t been able to let this go. How can I resolve this?

Amy says: The reason your husband kept this a secret is because he knew how you would react, and he didn’t want to cope with your emotions and feelings of betrayal. I strongly suspect that he loves and values you, and he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

To grossly generalize, I don’t think men see viewing porn as a betrayal of their partners, because for them it isn’t necessarily personal — it’s sexual. Your husband chose to remain silent rather than describe his feelings and impulses.

I hope you can approach this without panicking in order to give him latitude to talk about this aspect of his life.