Ask Amy: Brother drives a wedge between family members

Dear Amy: We are a tight-knit family. Every year for Christmas, we usually spend the week at my parents' house together. Until two years ago.

My brother has a huge drinking problem. He is condescending, rude and berates everyone. In 2019, after years of this behavior, I had had enough and flung some very honest truths at him before packing my bags, leaving and spending my holidays alone.

It also was the last time I got to see my family before the pandemic hit, so it has been doubly hard.

I'm still very hurt by my family, who have watched him behave like this over the years and still allow it to take place. My mother told me: "It's just how he is. He treats everyone like that."

I have made it clear to my parents that I will not be present at family functions if he is invited. My boyfriend and I are expecting our first child around Christmas, and while I want to spend the holidays with my family, I don't know what to do. I can't subject myself to his outbursts anymore.

I know it isn't my place to ask my parents to choose between us. I don't want him to spend his holidays alone, either. He literally has no one other than us, is prone to depression, and his health is failing because of his drinking.

I love him, but I just can't do it anymore for my own physical and mental health. It is eating me alive thinking about the stress during what should otherwise be a very happy time. What should I do?

You don't want your parents to have to choose between their children, which is admirable. But you have drawn a hard line regarding your brother for your own well-being, and it is vital that you take care of yourself.

Addiction tends to destabilize the entire family structure. What you can do is keep your distance while working on releasing your anger and replacing it with compassion. Plan for a visit with your folks when your baby is around three months old.

Dear Amy: I have a roommate who is going through one of the biggest betrayals in her life. I don't know how to help her.

When her brother started dating her ex-friend, she told him not to get involved with the ex-friend because of the animosity between them. But now these two are engaged.

No one told her about the engagement; she found out from her aunt, who asked her if she was going to the wedding.

While I care for her, I find myself wanting to avoid any conversation about her family. What should I do?

Amy says: One way to wean your roommate from discussing personal matters she is obsessing over is to listen quietly and nod your head, but don't offer any advice or solutions.

When she's done, you can say, "I know this is tough for you, but maybe it is time to take your own power back and accept this for what it is, because you can't change it."