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Clearance Clarence: Tsuyoshi Nishioka's defense and the apocalypse

Posted by: Michael Rand under Target Field, Twins fans Updated: August 23, 2011 - 11:37 AM

Each week commenter Clarence Swamptown ushers you into his world. It can be a frightening place, but it is often rewarding. Just wear a bullet-proof beard, and you will be fine. As usual, the opinions expressed by Clarence do not necessarily represent those of RandBall or the Star Tribune. Clarence?

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It is safe to say that Tsuyoshi Nishioka has been a disappointment so far this season. Unfortunately, the Minnesota Twins have devoted too much payroll to their rookie shortstop and simply cannot afford to cut their losses and move on. Instead, the Twins are doubling down and heavily investing in revolutionary “Google Maps Driving Directions” derivative software that maximizes the performance of professional athletes. This groundbreaking software allows an athlete to enter a simple task into the database, and receive detailed instructions on how to effectively accomplish the task.

 
Although my last Twins-related software experiment failed miserably, the organization has generously allowed me take this new “Nishi_Maps” program for a test drive. Let’s see how it goes:
 
 
Initializing Nishi_Maps Startup Procedure…
 
 
Please input your situation and objective:
SITUATION: Runner on first, routine ground ball to the shortstop.
OBJECTIVE: An out.
 
Computing…
Computing…
Computing…
 
Suggested routes:
A. Field the ball and throw to second base (20 feet 1.5 seconds).
B. Field the ball and step on second base (20 feet, 2.5 seconds).
C. Field the ball and throw to first base (110 feet, 3.0 seconds).
 
Directions:
1. The ball has been hit slightly into the hole, Tsuyoshi. Calmly shuffle 2 steps to your right and get in front of the ball.
2. Repeat: Shuffle 2 steps to your right and get in front of the ball.
3.  Why… why are you not moving? Move your feet Tsuyoshi. You still have time to get in front of the ball if you quickly step to your right and get…
4. JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH HURRY UP AND GET IN FRONT OF THE BALL TSUYOSHI.
5. Okay, I shouldn’t yell, and I apologize. Maybe they do things differently in Japan. I should probably be more sensitive to our cultural differences. This is a good thing. I feel like we’re bonding. Let’s start over.
6. Please feel free to use your backhand if that makes you more comfortable. I don’t want to startle you, and I’m not judging, but you should probably hurry because
7.  Holy {redacted} I just noticed the size of your glove. That glove is huge. It’s the size of a Datsun pickup. You’re a shortstop. That glove is way too big.
8. Okay, I think we’re getting off track. Let’s tackle the glove issue another day.  There’s a nice big Sunday hop coming so please calmly turn to your backhand and
9. MOTHER {REDACTED} THE BALL HIT YOU RIGHT IN THE NECK. HOW THE {REDACTED} DID THAT BALL HIT YOU IN THE NECK? I WAS A {REDACTED} RESEARCH COMPUTER AT THE PENTAGON FOR CRIPES SAKES I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS {REDACTED}.
10. WHY ARE YOU TWIRLING? WHAT THE {REDACTED} ARE YOU TWIRLING FOR?
11. Okay, okay, calm down everyone. Let’s all just relax and take a deep breath. I think we… oh no, no don’t cry Tsuyoshi. I didn’t mean to… oh man… come on buddy. I’m sorry. It’s cool, I’m not even mad anymore. Look, the ball landed at your feet! It’s right there, see. We still have time buddy! We still have time! Just wipe your eyes and the snot from your nose and gently flip the ball to the second baseman and
12. Are you smoking? Are you taking a smoke break? Right now? I mean… I thought I saw a carton of Marlboro Red softpacks in your pocket but I didn’t want to say anything but this… this is just stupid.
13. Carl Pavano is coming this way. He looks pretty upset, even for him. He is carrying a bat. Tsuyoshi, you should run.
14. THREAT TO NISHI_MAPS IDENTIFIED. DEFCON 1 ACTIVATE.  
 

 
A strange game. The only winning move is not to play. Initializing Nishi_Maps Self-Destruct.

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