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Rocket's Red Glare: An alternate universe where Stu and Clarence become the Wild announcers

  • Blog Post by: Michael Rand
  • January 18, 2012 - 3:19 PM

 

Each week, commenter Rocket writes about the NHL in a futile attempt to make up for the several times per week we write about the NBA. Rocket?

 

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Last night I had a terrible nightmare. I dreamt that Dan Terhaar and Mike Greenlay abdicated the booth to RandBall commenters Stu and Clarence Swamptown. At first it seemed like a wonderful dream since the Wild kept scoring goal after goal, but it quickly turned sour the more I paid attention to the broadcast. The following is an absolutely accurate, totally true retelling of something that my brain made up while I was unconscious.

Stu: Latendresse scores! They call him “The Tenderness” because of how gently he kisses the back of the net!
 
Clarence Swamptown: I thought they called him that because he’s as fragile as your average speaker of French.
 
S: Did you know that the Tragically Hip are known for three things: Being Canadian, being the band of choice of Canadian hipsters who peaked about a decade ago, and an awesome jersey?
 
CS: Music peaked with AC/DC’s Back in Black. It reached its nadir with this team’s “State of Hockey” anthem.
 
S: Another goal! Greg Zanon with a cannon! He is the captain of the artillery unit!
 
CS: Why is Dany Heatley an alternate captain of this team? [Clarence proceeded to go on a lengthy rant about Heatley. I have decided to spare RandBall the trouble and decided to redact this myself and offer up this much more pleasant discussion in its stead].
 
S: Well, I’m not sure Heatley could do that even if he was double jointed AND was assisted by Brad Childress’s moustache. Wait a minute, another goal! Hoochie-Coochie-Setoguchi!
 
CS: I hope I’m wrong, but if Christian Ponder ever amounts to even a serviceable NFL quarterback …
 
S: Oh my goodness, Matt Cullen is on the ice! Matt Cullen is on the ice! GO HUSKIES, WOOOOOO! MATT CULLEN, HUSKIES WOOOOOO!
 
CS: Ben Blood has been making my blood boil.
 
S: Clutterbuck breaks away. He shoots, he scores! That’s Cal’s fifth goal of the night. It’s a cluster for Clutterbuck!
 
CS: I hate that this team was drawn up to appeal to 10-year-olds who need their mom to drive them to soccer practice and have never played an outdoor game of hockey in their lives and act all snotty because they haven’t been caught with beer at school yet and why do I know all the words to a Maroon 5 song ...
 
 
(Above: Better than the alternative)

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